A Slight Divergence from the Story, Part III.V


This is a… propaganda-poem (?) that I wore as a sign on a night out. It may have upset people. I am now going to write what I suppose is… a counter-propaganda-poem from a different voice? I’m not sure. Just scroll down and read.


Vibe Marxists


This is not me. This is my depression. These are my demons. The demons wrote this. The demons made me wear this. This is what my demons make me think I am. My demons are not me. But if my demons want to speak, I will let them speak. They have important things to say. They are “brutally honest,” and think only the most brutal of all possible realities could ever be the truth. That anything even remotely kinder is a lie. And they are very convincing. But they are the ones that lie. Sorry if my demons triggered you. But look at the positives. When your demons trigger people, they receive a flood of love and support from other people. The demons might not be capable of love themselves, but they force others to love each other even harder. Always look at the positives of any situation. My demons created love in others. And I am happy about that. Even if I don’t deserve a share of that love, I am happy about that. And I somehow managed to use demon logic to make myself happy. I should be proud of that. If that is the only method that works, then use it. And I am having a sense of humor about my demons. And I am turning my demons into art. And I am detaching myself from them. Hopefully. And I am happy about that. There are positives to everything. I think I like the message of this piece more than the original. The original might be more creative, but I think this one is more truthful. I hope it is. Well, both are fine. And one day, I will deserve a share of the love. One day, I will be capable of that love again myself. And Vibe Marxist won’t have to exist anymore. But until that day… Redistribute that shit!


And here is the text of the original in case its too blurry:

Do Not Interpret Too Literally! ūüôā

We, the Vibe Marxists of the 1%, are sick and tired of the Vibe Hoarding of the Vibe Capitalists of the 99%. We demand a share of the vibes that are rightfully ours. We, the Vibe Capitalists of the 99%, are sick and tired of the pain, suffering and marginalization our elitist behavior inflicts upon the Vibe Marxists of the 1%. We need more aggressive redistributionary measures to liberate the 1% from their Vibe Poverty. Vibe Capitalist came here to climb the pyramids. But Vibe Marxist doesn’t want to leave anybody behind. So around and around in circles I will continue to go. Consuming your vibes. Whatever they are at any given moment. And spreading my vibes. Whatever they are at any given moment. This piece reflects how I feel at this present moment. But this feeling is impermanent too. Shitty feelings inspire me to write shitty propaganda. But I want to share my shitty propaganda with you anyway. Because shitty propaganda is all I can find in my soul at this moment. And I want to share my soul with you. Because I love you. Whoever you are, I love you.

PS: Vote Bernie anyway.

I Don’t Know What the Hell is Going on Anymore, Part III


Yeah, this is not you. You are not particularly male. You are not particularly masculine. You are not fully heterosexual either, although you never bother to explore these issues very much. Why? Just do it! It would sure be better than feeling like this. Why take the worst autistic male stereotypes and apply them to yourself? This is self-oppression. And it hurts others too. Don’t do this. You are forcing this. This is not natural. And fuck you Simon Baron-Cohen, with your extreme male brain theory of autism. Be more like your cousin Borat, who… quite possibly has extreme male brain autism. Never mind. Interesting thought though, return to this later possibly. I’ve always felt more attractive when I’ve portrayed myself as more feminine, though. Or somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I am a person, and I am attracted to people. A pangender or pansexual, or something like that. I think. Well, just try being that. Try experimenting. Try seeing yourself that way. It’s the year 2020, what do you have to lose? Do away with the binary, why not? The binary oppresses you. It makes you feel so low. And for fucks sake, do away with the concepts of classes of attractiveness. Modernize a bit. Put those back in the dustbin of history where they belong. Why would you bring them back? Dismantle those. And recognize that feminism does a lot of work to dismantle those, and be grateful for it. And try to embrace it more. And encourage others to embrace it more. Does this make you feel happier? Yes it does. Go with that feeling, then. Write what makes you feel happier. Write in the ideological direction of happiness. Don’t care what anybody thinks about that. You are a Snowflake. You are one at heart. You always will be. Own it. Be proud of it. It doesn’t matter if your external expression and behavioral patterns don’t always match what is in your heart. You are autistic. Although you even doubt this sometimes. And probably OCD too. Whatever those things mean. The pre-existing ideological patterns that you don’t like will continue to be there. And you will have trouble getting rid of them. But just think of them as codes, or even as languages. These are just different languages that you speak. If someone speaks to you in one of these languages, your brain will probably make you respond in one of these languages. And that is okay. But gradually, try to do it less. Separate yourself from the thought patterns, the languages, that you don’t like, and embrace those that you do like. But you don’t have a natural ideological filter, you say? Yes you do, you have feelings. You have intuition. Stop pretending you don’t. Your feelings will be your ideological filter. Less thinking, more feeling. I feel more like a woman now. And I am happy about it. But that doesn’t mean I necessarily am one. I am probably somewhere in between. But I think I like the femininity that I have more than the masculinity that I have. The masculinity I have seems to be only the shittiest masculinity. I can never seem to be able to have positive masculinity. I can have positive femininity, but it is deeply repressed right now. Well no, my toxic masculinity is sometimes funny, when I am company who appreciates it. Aspie Revolutionary has a lot of toxic masculinity. Good, I am sounding more Snowflake now. I still have it in me! But no, don’t aim for ideological purity. Be a combination of things. But have a preference for certain things over others. Be Snowflake first, and the other things second. Because Snowflake already cover most of the Marxisms. Actually, this is good advice for anyone trying to start an Alt-Marxism. Embrace Snowflake Marxism first. The more you look into it, the more you will realize how flexible the framework actually is! Don’t let Right-Wing Capitalist propaganda tell you what Snowflake Marxist propaganda is. Let Snowflake Marxist propaganda tell you what Snowflake Marxist propaganda is itself! Chances are, if you really dig deep into it, you will realize that your Marxism is already there! Snowflake Marxism already is Marxist Framework Fundamentalism. Well, not quite. There are gaps to fill. But the gaps are better filled from within than from the outside. Learn the framework first, learn the Marxisms that already exist, and are already socially acceptable. And create your Marxism from there, trying to make it as compatible as possible with those that are already there. This will have a better chance at success anyway, if we are being purely Machiavellian. Do I like what I am writing now? It seems like the toxic masculinity is back a little. Actually, I do like it less now. I don’t like the Machiavellian attitude. Machiavellian thinking is too Capitalist. It promotes the idea that everything is a game. Truly Marxist thinking should aim to move us away from that direction. But do I like this thinking even? Am I still creating stereotypes, dividing thought into categories, forming boxes of thought? Well, I guess I really am autistic, and this is just what my brain does. But am I capable of better than this? Or is suggesting that this type of categorizing thought is inferior, and non-categorizing thought is “better” actually ableist? Yeah, just write however you want. These cycles are good. These circles are positive. Continue to do them. Circles create better theory. More well-rounded theory. Pun intended. Circles are also good for personal growth. They prevent ideological extremism. You can start to drift far down one path, then catch yourself, and use different words to drag yourself down another path. Then go down a third path, and a fourth, and a fifth. And so on and so on. This is healthy. Everyone should try this. This is healing. Unless it is too confusing. In which case it can be harming. I think this might be Buddhism. This is dumb. This is extremely dumb, juvenile, pointless and repetitive. It is contributing absolutely nothing new, and you are wasting your life. That thought came from Capitalist. All my negative thoughts tend to come from Capitalist. But then again, if I succeeded more in Capitalism, more positive thoughts might possibly come from him. I mean them. No, of course I mean him. Capitalism is always male. No woman would ever come up with such a diabolical thing. Well, except Ayn Rand. Hmm, has a woman ever done Communism? Meaning actually lead it? There might be a few examples here and there, but nothing substantial. That’s probably why it has never worked. Let women lead it! And let us just sit back and let you take over! I mean let men just sit back and let us… I mean you… take over… Is that what I mean? Oh well. The end result would probably be Pure Communism. Oh, here we are again. So, Pure Femininity is Pure Communism? So, Pure Femininity is Pure Autism? Well, that would be the opposite of Baron-Cohen’s theory. I don’t know. I think autism is more feminine. I think the masculinity is forced. Forced into us, or self-forced. Or a combination of both. It is conditioned into us. Because we receive the most aggressive, violent social conditioning. Or maybe it just feels that way for us, because we are the most sensitive to it. Well, it’s a combination of both again. We behave “abnormally,” and the natural Neurotypical reaction is to try to control us. To force this behavior out of us. Because that is what you are supposed to do in order to belong to the Neurotypical class. This is how you assert your power, assert your dominance. You maintain your status by conditioning those of lesser status. This is how power functions. Hmm, I am sounding like an Aspie psychologist analyzing Neurotypical behavior now. Good. That has always been one of my goals in life. It is very interesting, because I have experienced being on both sides of this power dynamic. And you know what? I hate both equally. I thought I liked being in the position of power more for a while. Oh, the privileges that come with Perceived Neurotypicality. I thought I enjoyed being in positions of power over others, telling others how to behave, conditioning others, or counter-conditioning others. But this was only revengeful. But wait, a lot of social justice is revengeful, isn’t it? It’s about reversing power dynamics. It’s about you, as an Oppressed, creating your own paradigms, your own ideals that you judge other people’s behavior by, that you judge the hegemonic paradigm by. So that the Oppressors can know how you feel. It is to say “We lived under your rules for so long, and now we are going to make our own set of rules for how you have to treat us.” Or something like that. Anti-racism does a lot of this. Feminism does too. So what the hell? Do it sometimes. But don’t get carried away with it. You have a tendency to get carried away, and drift off into extremism. There are limits to everything. A healthier way to do it would be to do it in cycles. Yeah, keep going in cycles. Autism spectrum cycles. Ideological cycles. Gender cycles. Sexuality cycles. Racial cycles. Hierarchical identity cycles. This is good. This is healthy. It is actually very uniting. It shows that one person can feel like so many different things. And maybe everyone else will realize that they are a little bit of everything. Anyone can create the feeling of being absolutely anything. What is identity anyway? Anyone can be anything. Identity is arbitrary for me. Personalities are just random things I create because I feel like I have to. My autism is largely created, largely forced too. That is how I feel at this current moment. I think it might be the result of forced masculine thinking. Forced categorization, forced diving information into boxes. And now I have this habit of extreme stereotyping. This is definitely not natural. I hope not, anyway. The fact that I am aware of it, and am aware that I hate it, is evidence that it is not natural. I hate the previous sentence. I hate that I claimed to know anything as “fact,” and that I have “evidence” for it. I hate absolutes. Nothing is definite. These are absolutes too. Are these absolutes? More questions, less statements. More questions, less statements? Statements oppress you. They are a result of your forced masculinity. Are statements oppressive? Are they the result of my forced masculinity? Or is Self-Hating Aspie back again? Self-Hating Aspie might say that he hates his masculinity because it is so autistic. Or is Self-Hating Aspie a she, then? Just say “they.” Assume everyone is a they, because you don’t know for sure. There is no “sure.” Or is Self-Hating Aspie a delusional character, because they assume the masculine, Aspie thought patterns are themself? That stereotype hurt my brain. The stereotypes are starting to hurt me. That is a good sign. Is it? Well, if the stereotypes are still there and you can’t get rid of them, just keep using them for now, and maybe eventually their prevalence will start to reduce. Write Stereotype Poetry. I like the sound of that. I think this is what this is. It sounds oxymoronical but it isn’t. It is beautiful and simple. It is creating poetry out of the most unpoetic and superficial of things. Which is very challenging. Except it is not. It is extremely lazy. But it still works. And I believe in laziness anyway. The notion that a piece of art should be judged by the amount of effort put into it is pure Capitalist propaganda. Oh crap, is this Bro Poetry? It is Bro Poetry, isn’t it? Douchebag is still there. I thought I was rid of him, but he is still there. Pretty sure Douchebag is always male. Actually, possibly not always. But I need to be more aware of when he pops up. You are forgetting to observe the ideologies. Oh hello Zizek, old friend. You’re back! I missed you. I’m glad you are back. You are always the one who keeps me stable when things get out of control. Or maybe you’re the one who makes me unstable. I’m not sure. Maybe I should go back to the meditation. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the personas. Observe the ideologies. Observe the spectrum. Observe the other spectrum. Observe the genders. Observe the autism. Observe the neurotypicality. Observe the femininity. Observe the masculinity. No, don’t actually do the meditation. Actually doing it just confuses you more. It is better to just understand it theoretically and have it in the background. I think, anyway. It has to do with my apparent disconnect between theory and practice, between the abstract and concrete. But wait, don’t I want to be better integrated? I said earlier that I felt more whole, more complete when I was more integrated. But I am scared to become better integrated. Why? I think it is because when I was more integrated, I felt like a woman. I want to disintegrate myself to feel more male. Disintegration is my comfort zone. My brain creates autism to make me more male. Or the masculine social conditioning does. Or a combination of both. Internalized social conditioning perhaps. Maybe. That is how I feel right now. I think autism is naturally much more of an Extreme Female Brain. But Neurotypicals condition the Extreme Male Brain into us, because they are frightened of the Extreme Female Brain. They want us to believe that we don’t possess such high levels of empathy and connectedness, because it allows us to see through their bullshit system. So they condition us to make us think we are the exact opposite of what we really are. Aspie Revolutionary is back, but they seem more female now. She seems more female now? Am I confident enough to go that far? Not yet. Not enough to use the word “yet,” either. This is getting scary now. I probably should mention that I am writing this while taking a shit. Ah, good old manly toilet humor. Back to my comfort zone again. Stereotype Poetry. My comfort zone. Everyone shits. Get out of your comfort zone. Out of the toilet now. I literally mean the toilet. I probably more Freudianly mean the closet. I have no idea. Hmm, new thoughts just came to me. Write them down. Douchebag ideology tends to contain a lot of Keeping It Real statements. Keeping It Real could more accurately be described as Keeping It Real Within Ideology. Snowflake ideology contains some Keeping It Real, but is generally much more analytical of its own ideology. Which makes it intellectually elitist? Well, you are looking at the natures of the ideologies themselves, not of actual people. You are in the metaphysical realm. But is existing in the metaphysical realm dehumanizing? And this is circling you back to Vibe Marxism again. And you feel Incel again. And you feel very male again. And I don’t like this feeling. Not being this particular type of male, anyway. But wait a minute. These circles are good. They are a sign of tremendous empathy. Circular Marxist is a great character! Well, tremendous empathy at the metaphysical level, anyway. No, stop saying that. Don’t let Sociopath come back. He’s the one who only exists at the metaphysical level. But you have empathy for him too! I have empathy for them too. Don’t let Feminist get too reverse-sexist. Your empathy couldn’t even exist at the metaphysical level if it wasn’t in your heart. You just lock it up at the metaphysical level. It is locked up in the metaphysical closet. You’ve never even read any metaphysics, have you? Barely, anyway. How do you what you are saying makes any sense? Intuition. I have that. I intuitively feel that it makes sense. I hope so, anyway. Anxiety is returning. I recognize that. I don’t like how I am feeling right now. I want to return back to Snowflake. I was happier there. Writing that sentence made me happier. I want to be something less creepy. Maybe I’ll try being a woman just for the sake of being something less creepy. But then as a transgender person, there would be an entirely different set of people who find me creepy. But I want Snowflakes to not find me creepy because Snowflakes are the people I need? I have no idea. But I might as well explore this. Identity is arbitrary for me, anyway. Those last few sentences made me unhappy. They are too cynical. Stop writing sentences that make you unhappy. Don’t even bother to analyze specifically why they made you unhappy. Just listen to your fucking feelings. At some point, Douchebag is probably going to come back again, and claim that all these words, this entire book, was actually written by him. And that it is all part of his diabolical scheme to get laid. But don’t let him. If he comes back, just continue the circles. Let his thoughts evolve into different thoughts. And let those evolve into yet different ones. And keep going around and around. And you might end up back where you started, but keep going around. And this is how you dismantle ideology. Thank you, Zizek. Maybe you are a great teacher after all! Oh whatever. If the diabolicality is there, let the diabolicality be there a little bit. But try not to act based on the diabolicality too much. Observe the diabolicality. Observe it neutrally. No! Enough neutrality! Why did I even write those sentences? Why would I bring this character back intentionally? Those made me very unhappy! I am following Keeping It Real ideology now. I am not dismantling ideology at all. It is almost as if I am claiming that as my starting point and finishing point, and that there is no escape from it. Why did I even write that sentence? Okay, it looks like my Douchebag propaganda is colonizing my Snowflake propaganda here. It is hijacking it and putting it into its own terms. Snowflake needs to resist this colonization effort. That made me laugh. Good. I’m having a sense of humor about it again. That’s the most important thing. It doesn’t matter what ideology you are stuck inside, as long as you can laugh at it. This is good progress. I think this could actually help a lot of people. Be proud of yourself, and stop being so negative. Or is it more the Snowflake propaganda that is colonizing the Douchebag propaganda? Sort of. It is trying to drag everything else into its own paradigm, isn’t it? Is Snowflake Colonization an oxymoron? Well, it shouldn’t be. It should be a real thing. There should be more of it. There isn’t enough of it! Let Snowflake be the starting point and finishing point in your circles. Or your base, anyway. Base Camp. Or don’t have a Base Camp at all? Probably better to have some sort of base. I’m starting to feel better, but still feel the forced masculinity there. It is not too toxic at the moment, but it is there. The pseudo-apathy is there. This is not natural. You created this. Right? I partially created it. I was partially indoctrinated by it outside of my control. I think. Or is the femininity forced too? Possibly. Maybe I am just asexual. No, certainly not. More like hypersexual but sexually repressed. Except when I am not sexually repressed. Then I can be… Problematic. Yeah, that’s what this is really about, isn’t it? I want to make up for all the problematic things that Douchebag did. So that is why I am trying to make Snowflake colonize them. Because Douchebag is so completely not me. He is a forced character. Do I want to talk about the problematic things? Probably not a good idea to. Not at the moment, anyway. But I am sorry about the problematic things. I don’t have good enough words to express how sorry I am about the problematic things because Douchebag is still there. If I ever get rid of him, I might be able to come up with a better apology. But one or more of the people I may have done problematic things to may or may not have been Aspie, so they’ll probably understand. This apology is probably good enough by Aspie standards for now. And if any Neurotypicals try to tell me the apology isn’t good enough, then Aspie Revolutionary says: “Fuck you for imposing your Neurotypical Supremacist standards of appropriateness on us!” He is kind of a dick. But he is still there. And as long as he is still there, this is the best I can do. Or maybe I can do better. I probably can. But who defines “better?” I don’t think this is that terrible of an apology. Or at least it can be the start of one, and it can be continued later in this book. The right words are not there right now. And there are other apologies I need to make to several people, but the words are not there. It’s a process. Getting to the state of mind where I have the right words is a process. This is complete bullshit. Everything I am writing is a lie. No! I don’t know that for sure. I have to stop this cycle. Bad path. Return to the apologizing later. Calm down. Breathe. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. It’s okay. Don’t say anything if it is too painful. It’s all okay. This is not you. You are not this asshole. This is the toxic masculinity again. Let it go. Let it all go. Being this person hurts me. That much I know. But who am I then? Do I want to explore further? Do I want to find out if there are any other personas, ideologies, paradigms or closets that secretly oppress me? That I want to liberate myself from? Definitely. I would be a fool not to.

The Evolution/Mental Breakdown of Aspie Revolutionary, Part II


TRIGGER WARNING! There, I did a good thing. All of my posts should have this, really. They are not in everyone’s taste. I hope that nothing in here counts as hate speech in any way. I don’t intend it that way. I don’t think much improvement was made here. Maybe some, but also a lot of regression. How do you define improvement anyway? I expressed myself. That’s always good.


Take slow, deep breaths. Deeply inhale while counting to 8, deeply exhale while counting to 8. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the breath. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe the personas. Observe the paradigms. Observe the victimhoods. Observe the bullyings. Observe the oppressions. Which one are you? Which one are you more? Honestly, if I really think about it, about 50/50. If you take my whole life into account. It is just that victimhoods, bullyings and oppressions are always on my mind. Hierarchies are always on my mind. Pyramids are always on my mind. They are always obsessively on my mind, and I can’t get rid of them. In this character, anyway. I don’t think I have always been like this. Or maybe I have, in some way or another. My perceived sense of position in various hierarchies goes up and down, side to side, depending on my mood, my state of mind, which persona I am in. Going off tangent again. Am I ADHD? Oh well, I’ll end up circling back in the end. My definitions of hierarchies, of pyramids, also changes based on persona and worldview. I experiment with them, sometimes intentionally and sometimes I have no control over it. I wish to one day reach perfect hierarchical neutrality. Or my ideal self does, anyway. That is probably a lie. I am probably just being narcissistic. But if I am in a narcissistic state of mind, might as well keep writing in it. The Narcissism is not necessarily permanent. Everything is impermanent. That thought came from Buddhist ideology. Shut up, Zizek! Yes, I have probably been bullied a lot, and probably have bullied a lot. But was I aware of it, on either side? I don’t think so. Or I might be lying. Or I might just think that I am lying. Or I might just be making a bunch of excuses. I might just be pretending to be self-reflective and that I am thinking very deeply about this so I can continue getting away with it. Yeah, I probably bully. But whenever I do, I see it as counter-bullying. Defensive bullying. That is my excuse. In my head, anyway. Because there is no reverse-bullying, right? No reverse-oppression. Damn, I’m fucked up. Is this really what I do? Consciously? But am I really a narcissist or a sociopath, or am I just trying to be one? Or are these labels just really stuck in my head at this point? Or do I feel like Narcissistic ideology is the only way for me to climb to a higher status than I naturally am? What the hell does “status” mean? How are you defining it right now? Are you going by Capitalistic standards? Probably somewhat, but not exactly in economic terms. The same framework of thinking is probably still there, though. Breathe. Inhale and exhale. Observe the ideologies. Observe the pyramids. Observe your belly button. This is getting ridiculous now. Oh god, is it still Incel ideology? Or Pick Up Artist ideology? Are those still there? Are those still the underlying ideologies behind all the other ones? Douchebag ideology? Wait, it’s now called Fuckboy, right? Are those still there? Are you still indoctrinated by all of those? You said earlier that you wish to reach a state of perfect hierarchical neutrality. On the surface, this would look like you are predominantly indoctrinated by Marxist ideology, by Snowflake ideology. Pure Hierarchical Neutrality is Pure Snowflakehood. Oh dear, you used the word Snowflake, didn’t you? Yup, Douchebaghood is still there. You know what? Go back to the very beginning where you said “Persona is ideology. Pseudo-intellectualism is also ideology.” That might not have been as pseudo-intellectual as you think. You might have actually been on to something. Maybe every one of your characters, or personas, is an ideology? Representative of an ideology? You play ideologies as characters? Do you do this intentionally or do you have control over it? You always seem to be stuck in one box or another. Right now, however, you seem to have better awareness of it than usual, and seem to able to switch back and forth between them with some degree of control, although certainly not full control. But wait, you should be proud that you are not perfect at code-switching. A perfect code-switcher is probably a Pure Sociopath? Or Pure Psychopath even? I forget the difference. But I think I should be glad that I am bad at it, and at least am trying to analyze myself and figure it out, because that probably means I am not one. But go back to the theory that all of your characters are ideologies, and try to write that way. Right now, you think you are mostly Snowflake. But Douchebag/Pick Up Artist might be the underlying characters pulling the strings of Snowflake. Because PUA sees Snowflake as a higher class than Incel. Yup, Douchebag is definitely still there. These goddamn pyramids are still there, stuck in my head. How do I get rid of them? Good, Snowflake is still there. He’s the one who hates the pyramids. I’m glad he’s still there. But is he really there, or are you just forcing him? Is he natural? Or is Snowflake just Incel’s pathetic attempt to climb from the Omega class to the Gamma class? From the Submissive-Rejectives to the Dominant-Rejectives. Shut up, Incel! PUA! All of you! But wait, what is actually wrong with that? What is wrong with analyzing the hidden ideologies behind the surface-level ideologies? It is actually quite a positive thing to do! It can be used as a re-purposing tool. If one is unable, or finds great difficulty, in removing negative pre-existing ideological frameworks from their brain, the next best option is simply to re-purpose them. Rather than try to climb to the Alpha class, escape to the Gamma class. Or rather, Pure Hierarchical Neutrality is probably somewhere between Gamma and Omega. Oh no, this is starting to sound Huxleyan. Remember that you are in a character. I hope so, anyway. I hope I’m not really this superficial. I think this “class” level is what I overall strive to be. But I am terrible at it. What I am trying to describe is a state of Pyramid-Blindness. But I am certainly not in it, because I am always seeing pyramids. Is it possible to reach Pure Pyramid-Blindness through a thinking framework that involves pyramids? Or is Pyramid-Blindness even a positive goal? Or would it go down the same path as Color-Blindness? The fact that you see color-blindness as negative means that Snowflake is still there. But is all this what you really believe? What do you really believe? Probably nothing. The real you is nobody. He is just a vegetable. You said “he.” I said “he.” Am I even sure I am a he? Just say “they.” Well no, get to that part later. Say I for now. Or me. The real me is nobody. I am just a vegetable. I know nothing and believe in nothing, and if nobody told me to do anything, I would simply lie there in a state of constant inertia. Without characters, without persona, without ideology, I would be a vegetable. But is Vegetable a character too? Probably. I think they are all characters. I don’t think there is any real me. Or maybe there is, but I feel like I am not allowed to be it. I feel obligated to create characters. I feel obligated to follow ideology. Ideology feels like a requirement. It is as if it is part of Mandatory Individualism. Everybody is required to be an individual, to follow ideology in one way or another. If one doesn’t, something must be wrong with them. It is all part of the divide and conquer strategy. And I feel like the divide and conquer is going on in my own head. I am weak, I am easily conquerable, because of too much ideology. Too many ideologies. Too many personas, too many paradigms. But wait, that is Victim speaking again. What would Victimizer say? What would Bully say? What would Oppressor say? Might need to go back to the meditation for this. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe… You don’t know what you are observing anymore. You no longer have words for whatever it is you are trying to observe. Just observe everything. You divide and conquer. You are the one who divides and conquers. You do this to always get your way. You create all of these different characters, all of these different ideologies, in order to confuse people. If someone says something you don’t like, that would get in the way of you getting something you want, you use a different character, an unexpected character, to put them down. You don’t consider it bullying, you don’t consider it manipulation, but it probably is. In whatever state of mind, whatever character, whatever ideology you are in at any given time, if someone says something to contradict it, you will lash out. But you don’t consider it bullying. At least not bullying of a person. Bullying of a paradigm, perhaps. When you stuck inside your own paradigm, whichever one it is at the time, and someone else tries to drag you into theirs, you bully their paradigm. Or that’s your excuse anyway. You really just want to bully the person, don’t you? Wait, that might be a little harsh. Are you even aware that you are doing this? Do you do this intentionally? Are you aware of it? Do you have control over it? Do you even know? Do you have free will? Is there free will at all? Don’t even go down that path. Too confusing. But is this really what you do? These were the first words that came to you, for some reason. No, this is Victimizer speaking. This is not the real you. Remember that. Observe the characters. But is Victimizer behind all of the other characters? Or should you just call him Sociopath? Hmm, you said earlier that Sociopathy is ideology, or something. Maybe it is. Maybe its something people can consciously choose to follow, or not. I think I have tried, have experimented with it, and succeeded somewhat before, but am generally not very good at it. Victimizer would say that he plays the Victim, and pretend that his characters are things he can’t control. He would say these characters, these ideologies, are just the result of his poor, impressionable autistic brain receiving too many conflicting indoctrinations. An alternate working title of this book could be: “What Happens When you Give an Aspie too many Indoctrinations.” But am I always on the receiving end of indoctrinations, or do I create my own indoctrinations? Why do always I see myself as being on the receiving end of things? It’s the Object Syndrome, again. It’s the feeling that, as an autistic person, I can’t possibly have agency. And now, that is Victim talking again. I think this is just how I feel right now. But there have been times when I have been on the producing end of indoctrinations. There have been times when I have felt much more dominant, much more of an Indoctrinator than an Indoctrinated. Much more of an Impressionist than an Impressionable. Oh, here you go with the dualities again. What is it with you and dualities? Why is so much of your writing like this? Distraction. Don’t even analyze this right now. Well, you are certainly producing indoctrinations right now, aren’t you? Regardless of how submissive, helpless and object-like you feel. You are still a subject, somewhere deep down inside. That dominant side still exists. This is probably where your superiority complex came from. You probably created it, as a reaction to always being on the receiving end of things. You wanted your own agency. You wanted a mind of your own. And so you created it. You created characters. You experimented with different ones. You wanted to create the exact opposite of how you felt for most of your life: worthless, disgusting, inferior. So you created a superiority complex to hide your inferiority complex. Oh dear, this is starting to get very dark. Too dark, I would say. Do I really mean all these things? No, just delusions. But this is terrible! You’re starting to sound like Elliot Rodger. Now this reminds you of the time you read his manifesto when you were feeling really low. You read the whole thing didn’t you? Ok, don’t go down that path right now. Bad path. Very bad path! Take a break from that. Write something a little more light-hearted. Do your meditation again. But no Zizek this time. Just normal meditation without the ideology. Which I suppose would be regular Vipassana meditation, which you have already learned. But maybe don’t even do that? Don’t even observe thoughts neutrally. Don’t observe breath neutrally. Look at what “neutrality” is doing to you. It is making you awful. It is making you very negative, perhaps because your brain just has a very strong negativity bias. Try to do it with intentional positivity. Just cling to the positive thoughts. You’re not supposed to, but do it anyway. You’ve been doing it wrong the whole time anyway. Just continue doing it wrong. Deeply inhale, deeply exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the breath. Observe the thoughts. Observe the positive thoughts only. Suppress the negative thoughts. Don’t even observe the positive thoughts. Create the positive thoughts. What’s the point of neutral observation, anyway? Try just creating happiness. Forcefully create happiness. Why the fuck not? Do not forcefully create happiness. Forcefully creating happiness reinforces and perpetuates the Mandatory Positivity that is central to the functioning of Neoliberal-Capitalist ideology. Damn it, Zizek! Just do it anyway. Mandatory Positivity can potentially be used in any type of society. Just try it. Keep going. Inhale and exhale. Be happy. Happy happy happy. Positivity only. Banish the negativity. Have only positive thoughts. Is it working? Yeah, a little bit. I feel slightly better. Okay, what do I want to write about now? No idea, but I just thought of something. I am just going to look through my book of notes and pick out a random sentence or phrase, and then try to analyze it and connect it to something else. But just have fun with it, and don’t take it too seriously. Yeah, fun is what you need. This should be fun. I should be enjoying this more. Try just doing it with a sense of humor. Humor is good, even if it will probably get dark again. Okay, let’s see.. Circular Marxism. You keep mentioning Circular Marxism. You’re saying this is your overall political orientation if you average everything out, or something like that. You also said Marxist Framework Fundamentalist. That you are too comprehensively Marxist to be any one specific type of Marxist. Which is why you have trouble fitting in with Mainstream Snowflake Marxism. Apparently, your Aspie brain grasps the framework itself, is fascinated by the theoretical framework itself, but doesn’t automatically filter which ideas belong to socially acceptable social justice Marxism, and which ideas belong to socially unacceptable Marxisms. That if an idea follows the framework, it will automatically send positive signals to your brain. It is too impressionable, too indoctrinatable, by anything that sounds Marxist in any way. It wants to be be Snowflake Marxist, but doesn’t have a good enough natural ideological filter to tell the difference. Well, if this is true, it is probably why your mind keeps wandering down Incel paths. Oh crap, here we are again. Because its the Marxism that most speaks to you? But you haven’t always felt this way. Okay, remember that you just did your happiness meditation. This is supposed to be light-hearted. Laugh at yourself. You say such stupid things sometimes. At least have a sense of humor about yourself. You say things like these, make claims about how your mind works, and say them so convincingly that you believe your own bullshit. And your bullshit becomes your reality! And then your brain actually starts working that way, just because you said it did! And then you say something contradictory- that your brain actually works in this different way, and then it starts working like that. Or you think it does, anyway. This is probably what creating characters, or creating paradigms, actually is. Or is it? Or did you just make this up just now? Are you lying right now? Who knows? You are probably just digging yourself deeper and deeper down a rabbit hole. But who cares? Rabbit holes are fun! They are a lot funner than reality, whatever that means. Yeah, there is no one “reality.” There is socially constructed reality, the State’s reality. I think the only reason to accept this “reality” as fact is to make functioning easier. Accept certain things as “fact” only in the moments that you need them. They are not actual facts, but accepting them as such provides a shortcut to easier functioning. This is the only way that hegemonic facts are important. But you can also create counter-hegemonic facts. Accept these things as facts in the moments you need these. And this is why code-switching is important. It is not actually Sociopathy. It can potentially lead one down a sociopathic path, but can also be used for much good. Everybody code-switches! Most people, anyway. Why would you be so hard on yourself for it? You’re not even good at it! In fact, you have a terrible record of existing in the wrong code for the wrong situation. You can never fit in anywhere, because you are always in the wrong persona at the wrong time. Or maybe you do this intentionally? Are you that much of a contrarian? Or is this a good quality? You like bringing greater balance to whatever group you are in. You recognize that whatever group you are in is inside ideology, and feel the need to liberate them. Careful, you are getting narcissistic again. Ah crap, my writing hasn’t really changed at all, even with the light-heartedness. I’ve circled back to exactly where I was. Oh, who cares? I feel slightly better about it. That’s all that’s important. But yeah, Circular Marxism. Most of your personas do seem to be Marxist in one way or another. But they divide the lines between Oppressor and Oppressed, movements from Above and movements from Below, in various different ways. They don’t always follow Hegemonic Marxism, although they usually do. Hegemonic Marxism sounds like an oxymoron, because Marxism, by definition, should probably always be counter-hegemonic. And I would say that it is mostly is, although it is possible for it to create a hegemony of its own. And this counter-hegemony can potentially oppress entirely different groups of people. You know what? Just call Circular Marxist a character. See what he has to say. It is possible that he might, in fact, be the real background character behind all the others. Or possibly, the sum of all the other characters. Or the average of all the other characters. Okay, breathe. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe he personas. Or integrate the personas. Or observe Circular Marxist only. Or forcefully get into him. Or something. This is getting too confusing. Just write. The ideal society is one where all Marxisms are created equal. Whatever type of injustice, whatever specific form of oppression you, as an individual, or as a group, or even the whole of humanity, are suffering from, there is a Marxism for you. There might not be an existing Marxism for you, but you can create a Marxism for you. May all Marxisms unite, and form a unified, Uber-Marxism. A Circular Marxism. May all Marxisms flow around and around in circles, fighting against each other, but also complementing each other. Allying with each other. Which largely is what Hegemonic Snowflake Marxism strives to do. But it is not complete enough. It is almost complete. It sees itself as complete It sees itself as intersectional. And it mostly is. But it falls victim to its own ideology. What a stupid fucking sentence. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, it creates a monopoly of Marxisms. It dictates to you which Marxisms are acceptable and which are unacceptable. Which is why my Aspie brain has trouble accepting it. I could never be a Pure Snowflake Marxist, because I am too much of a Circular Marxist. My brain takes the Marxist framework too literally, too fundamentally, too obsessively, and applies it to absolutely everything! I am too much of a Marxist Framework Fundamentalist to be a Conventional Marxist. But no, Snowflake Marxisms are the most important Marxisms. Otherwise there wouldn’t be such a great need for them. They wouldn’t exist in such great numbers. They are the most important ones. Feminism. Anti-Racism. LGBTQ Rights. Anti-Imperialism. Disability Rights. Neurodiversity. Yeah, all of those. Those are all good things. I support all of these things. Well, if I am trying to stand up for my own rights, then I had better. That’s what intersectionality is. That’s what solidarity is. I should support all of these Cultural Marxisms. As well as good old traditional Class-Struggle Marxism. But these Marxisms sometimes create different pyramids and leave different people marginalized. And this is why Alt-Marxisms get created. That is why we have Meninism. And Incel. And White Nationalism. And all the others. Yes, if you really look at it, all of these groups technically follow the Marxist framework of thinking, even though most wouldn’t admit it. They all put themselves in the Oppressed category. Which I suppose they are in a way, through the lens of their own ideologies. According to my Aspie brain, in its current form, anyway. Fuck it, let’s go back to Incel again. Just because it seems to be the main one indoctrinating me right now. Incel Marxism is legitimate Marxism. Breathe. Remember that you are inside ideology. Remember that you are Circular Marxist right now. It is Sexually Socialist and Romantically Socialist. All things that the world needs. Yes, it is misogynistic in its current form, but if I absolutely have to be any type of misogynist, I would be an Incel Misogynist. If misogynists were the only people who accepted me, I would be this type of misogynist. Just because it is the only Marxist form of misogyny. Pick Up Artist ideology is pure Capitalist propaganda. Well, even though I am probably still indoctrinated by it somewhat. It teaches you how to climb the pyramids. It teaches you how to imitate the mannerisms of the Sexual Upper Class. It reinforces the class structures. It reinforces the culture of competition and the Equal Opportunity narrative. It teaches Game, as if capitalism isn’t game-like enough already. PUA is pure Capitalistic Misogynistic propaganda. If you have to follow misogynistic propaganda, at least follow Socialistic Misogynistic propaganda. Incel propaganda is better. At least it is honest about its intentions. At least it wants to redistribute, rather than teach people how to fake their way to the top. Dismantle the pyramids, rather than climb the pyramids. It aims to create a Sexually Socialist Utopia, rather than exaggerate the level of Sexually Capitalist Dystopia we already live under. Well rather, in its current form, it seeks to create Patriarchal Sexually Socialist Utopia. It still wants men to rule. But why does it have to be that way? Why can’t there be Gender-Neutral Sexually Socialist Utopia? Why does Incel have to see Feminism as the enemy? And vice-versa? Why can’t the Marxisms join sides? Plenty of women are romantically and sexually deprived. Plenty of non-binary folk are as well. Why can’t the Marxisms unite? Why can’t they integrate? We need more unity of counter-cultures. There could be a Feminism-compatible Incel movement if we all really stretch our minds. Or look at it the other way round, and Incel could be incorporated into feminism. It could actually resemble the Free Love Feminism of the 60s and 70s, if you really think about it. Well, 90% of currently existing Incel propaganda would probably have to be trashed, but the remaining 10% is fine as far as I’m concerned and could be incorporated. The premise is fine anyway. A lot of feminists even believe in the same things. There is more overlap than most people think, or would care to admit. Nobody should be deprived of love. Hmm, I am actually crying right now. Legitimately. Maybe this is genuine. Maybe this is what I actually believe. Is what I believe terrible? Am I even understanding what I am saying properly? Am I understanding the issues properly? Am I using words properly? Is there a “properly?” And… The moment is lost. Okay, on to something else. Circular Marxist sounds like he has more to say. Close your eyes. Inhale and exhale. Observe the Marxisms. You are inside all the Marxisms right now. Hmm… Circular Marxist came up with a whole bunch of more jargony terms… Reverse-Marxism. Spiritual Marxism. Intellectual Marxism. Vibe Marxism. They are all probably saying the same things. That those who are traditionally put into Oppressor categories by Mainstream Marxism can also use Counter-Marxisms to demonstrate how it is not quite complete. How it creates new oppressions, different types of oppressions for different groups. Yup, Circular Marxist appears to be drifting to the Right again. Wait no, Circular Marxist doesn’t drift. He circles. He will eventually find himself back at the Left. No, there aren’t even Left and Right for him. Only circles. He circles and circles around the various Marxisms until he finds equilibrium. Enlightenment for him is reaching Perfect Marxist Equilibrium. He circles and circles until he reaches the center. The center is the average of all Marxisms. Probably similar to how Zizekian Aspie considers enlightenment to be Liberation from Ideology. Or perhaps, enlightenment is the average of all ideology. Truth is the average of all ideology. Truth is the average of all propaganda. Those were phrases I found in my notes too. Yay, I finally tied some things together! Well, Zizekian Aspie, I suppose circles and circles as well, until he reaches Perfect Ideological Equilibrium. Circular Marxist, I suppose is just more specific. He is a sub-character of Zizekian Aspie, I suppose. But why call him Aspie at all? Maybe just call him Circular Zizekian, if they are that similar. Holy crap, did you just reach Zizekian Enlightenment? Or Marxist Enlightenment? Or both? Well, you’re not high, so probably not. But was this the purpose of your meditation all along? Well, according to your “autism is absence of ideology” theory, this is your natural state. Maybe enlightenment is your natural state, but you create the circles, create the ideologies because you are bored, and just want to have fun in the circles like everyone else. But then you get bored of the circles, or the circles get out of control, and you want to find your way back to the center again, back to enlightenment. But you often get lost in the circles. Okay, be careful now. This is getting narcissistic again. The Messiah Complex is coming back. This is dangerous. Stop doing this. Stop talking like this. Backtrack a little. Where were you? Okay, Vibe Marxism. What is that? You feel like there is a Vibe Upper Class and a Vibe Lower Class. Those with good vibes and those with bad vibes. But the Snowflake Marxists currently have a monopoly on the Good Vibes. Those who follow the ideology have the privilege of receiving the good vibes. And goddamn, they can be vibe-hoarders. They don’t share the vibes! They are Vibe Elitists! Well, the Vibe Marxists aren’t having any more of it. They want a redistribution of vibes! We want a redistribution of vibes! Oh crap, I just said “we.” Calm down. Observe the vibes. I haven’t always felt like this. I sometimes have felt like I belong to the Vibe Upper Class. And when I do, I too feel like hoarding the vibes. But right now, I feel like I belong to the lower class, so I want a redistribution of vibes. Crap, this means I am secretly a Capitalist doesn’t it? Inhale and exhale. Observe the… The Vibe Upper Class is also Intellectually Elitist. It takes intellectual superiority to belong to the Vibe Upper Class. We need Intellectual Marxism too! No, “superiority” is a harsh word. Or maybe “intellectual” is the harsh word. Maybe what I meant is empathetic superiority? Or spiritual superiority? The empaths hoard all the vibes? The more spiritually connected hoard the vibes? But this in itself is ableist isn’t it? Discriminating against those with lack of empathy. Not sharing the vibes with them/us. I don’t know if I want to say “us.” I don’t know what I am. Well, Aspie Revolutionary would say that Aspies might lack the empathy, or at least the nuance, to be able to speak in such a way that they don’t offend anyone, which leaves them rejected by the Vibe Upper Class. So we need a Vibe Marxism, a Reverse-Marxism, a Spiritual Marxism, to reclaim those good feelings that we deserve too! Or something silly like that. Wait, you are still being silly. Remember to laugh at yourself. This is very important. It might not be silly or funny to these elitist empaths, but it is funny to you. Anything is funny to you. What the hell is wrong with you? Really, what the hell is wrong with you? You haven’t changed at all. You are not evolving at all. In fact, you are going backwards. You are regressing back to that previous manifestation of Aspie Revolutionary, aren’t you? The ultra-offensive one. He’s terrible. He’s terrible. So fucking terrible. The Politically Incorrect one. The one who says Political Correctness is oppressive to Aspies, and then goes on to say awful things. He sees Sheldon Cooper as his role-model. Wait, you still are him, aren’t you? Or whatever you are now still follows the same ideology of offensiveness, but is just a bit more politically correct. Slightly more conforming to the values of the Snowflake Left. Maybe stop using the word Snowflake? Because it shows you currently view it negatively? Or are you re-purposing it? Are you reclaiming it? I think so. Well, I am using it the same way I am using all of my terms, I suppose. Making fun of them, but also realizing they are a part of me. But Snowflake is one I want to reclaim in a positive way, because I feel it is most naturally me, or at least my ideal self. Or at least what I would be if I didn’t spend so much time creating all these asshole characters. Right now, I feel like I am not good enough to be one. But try to be one. Try to be more of a Snowflake Aspie. The Sheldon Extremist character is getting old. You are 33 years old now. Try to grow out of that. Sheldon Extremist was a reaction to your diagnosis at a late age, among other traumatic events that happened in your life. Do you want to talk about those? Yes, probably eventually but not right now. Do talk about them at some point. And the ironic thing was that he was pretty much as Textbook Aspie as you can get. He was an exaggerated version of the DSM’s definitions. You want to liberate yourself from the DSM? Liberate yourself from this character. Well, full liberation is probably impossible. It is impossible to change the past. But you can do the best you can. Which you probably won’t. But small steps. Try to stay positive. I am feeling more positive right now. What do I have to say now? No, Incel ideology doesn’t dismantle pyramids. It reinforces pyramids. It puts pyramids in people’s heads. It is Feminism that dismantles pyramids. Or at least tries to. This is contradictory to what you said earlier. Are you just trying to please people or what? Oh well, just keep going. Feminism puts a hell of a lot of effort into changing what it means to be attractive, in physical, personality and all senses of the word. For women, men and everyone in between. It is actually very beneficial for Aspie males. It teaches us that it is okay to be shy, or awkward, or not terribly masculine, as long as we are decent human beings. And you still have that decency in you. You do. You are just pretending not to for some reason. Or you are stuck in the characters that don’t have it. Or that might just be an excuse. Incel would say that Feminism is bad for Aspie men, because it further marginalizes us. It puts us in the Creeper Class. Or maybe Creeper is a character too. No! Don’t even go down that path. I’ve had enough of this. These are just delusions. Feelings of creepiness, for anyone, are just delusions. Yes it is true that feminism can unintentionally give certain men feelings of creepiness. But it also seeks to liberate men, and well everyone, from feelings of creepiness. From feelings of unworthiness. I do understand this theoretically, although I have trouble accepting it and applying it in real life. I think this might be the problem with my particular manifestation of autism at this present moment. It is a disconnect between the abstract and the concrete. It is not so much that I am abstractionally challenged, but abstract-to-concrete translationally challenged. Or maybe just right now. There have been times where I have felt better integrated. Yeah, try to integrate yourself more. Try to be more whole. Inhale and exhale. Observe the abstract. Observe the concrete. Observe both. Try to integrate them. Is it working? Not sure. Well, keep writing anyway. It is actually the Patriarchy that gives Aspie men feelings of creepiness, of unworthiness, of inferiority, or not being “man” enough. Incel just reinforces it, because it itself is stuck inside the patriarchal paradigm. It accepts these patriarchal labels, these stereotypes, as fact, as unchangeable reality. It is very defeatist. It is submissive to oppressive systems. Feminism tells us that we are all worthy, we are intrinsically worthy, regardless of how we are… Nope. I can’t do it. I can’t Feminist right now. I can’t Snowflake right now. I can’t even. What a ridiculous expression. What is wrong with the modern world? I am Creeper. I can’t get out of it. How did I get here? I used to be happy. No, don’t say “I am.” Say “I feel like.” Nothing is permanent. You are just pretending to be deep and thoughtful to make everyone fall in love with you. PUA is still there. He is still behind all the other characters. You Douchebag. This is not permanent either. This feeling is impermanent too. This repetitiveness is impermanent too. But I suppose Autistic Philosophy should be repetitive by definition, otherwise it wouldn’t be autistic. No! Don’t put yourself in a box like that. Don’t put your people in a box like that either. Don’t let these stereotypes get in your head. A lot of what you say or write might sound quite ableist or hateful to listeners or readers. Only you are in your own head. Only you know what you really mean to say. You probably have a horribly wrong choice of words. Or better ones exist in the subconscious, but only the terrible ones are at the surface. Only the terrible thoughts are at the surface. And they repeat themselves, over and over. Yes, this is probably a legitimate OCD-type problem. Or are my words really that terrible? Well, they certainly hurt me. Except for when they possess me. But when they don’t possess me, when I detach myself from them, they hurt me. I am a very sensitive soul somewhere in there. I really offend myself. Yup, still trying to make people fall in love with you. Hopefully impermanent Asshole. Hopefully impermanent Creeper. Why am I still like this? Why are the pyramids still in my head? I had liberated myself from the pyramids. But every time I liberate myself from the pyramids, they keep coming back to haunt me. Why do they keep coming back? I want them out of my head. I’ve had it with these motherfucking pyramids in my motherfucking head! I’ve had it with these motherfucking pyramids in my fatherfucking head! More personfucking gender-neutral. Well, how about being more personfucking gender-neutral yourself? This isn’t you. All this offensiveness and toxic masculinity isn’t you. It’s very forced. Well, it was at one point. By now it might be natural. Are you even male? Maybe start calling yourself “they.” Yeah, why not? Try it. Be more personloving gender-neutral.

The Evolution of Aspie Revolutionary, Part I


I was originally going to attempt to write what I am writing here as a book, but recent events in my life make me feel a more urgent need to put it out into the public consciousness more immediately. Aspie Revolutionary is just a character I created, and I am pretty sure he is not the way my brain actually naturally works. Then again, I don’t know if my brain naturally works in any one way. I think I have created various characters that think in different ways. However, I am still pretty sure I am actually autistic, and do not feel I am completely a fraud. I think it is more Imposter Syndrome than anything else. However, I must say that Aspie Revolutionary can be a really horrible person at times, especially when I play him in real life. But I still don’t feel he fully needs to die, and still believe that he can evolve. He has good sides to him too. He is very multi-dimensional. I/he am/is trying to become more self-aware. And that is what this writing is supposed to be about, although at least in the first couple of parts, I might seem just as offensive as before. I see this as stream of consciousness writing- writing whatever comes to my mind, regardless of whether I am stuck in a character or not. It is character evolution through a writing process. Or something like that. And I feel the need to emphasize that I am writing through a character so that I don’t get labelled a terrorist or anything. I repeat: NOT a terrorist! I am going to start by just typing out what I already had written down pretty much as it is. Yeah, that’s probably all I need to say here, it’ll eventually become self-explanatory. I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be. Enjoy!


The current working title of this book is “Zizekian Meditation, Aspie-Marxist Propaganda and other Trippy Pseudo-Intellectual Crap to Read when You’re High.” Go to your mother’s shrine in the northwest corner of the meditation room, overlooking the football field to the west of your house. Apparently, one is supposed to face east when meditating, but what do you care? You are currently sitting at a shrine that contains various statues and images of Hindu deities, a Buddha’s head, a Christian cross, the Atheist star that goes on top of your family’s Christmas tree every year, and the photo of Slavoj Zizek you printed out the day before yesterday. You are already being irreverent as a motherfucker. Who cares what direction you are facing? Find a comfortable sitting position. It could be cross-legged. It could be kneeling. Kneeling seems easier. But you will probably change your mind again later. You are too indecisive. Close your eyes, or leave them open a slit. Just do something with your eyes. Okay, close. Focus now. Enough indecision. Take this a little more seriously. But not too seriously. Moderately seriously. Shut up and start breathing! Start by taking slow, long, deep breaths. Slowly inhale, then slowly exhale. Inhale while counting from 1 to 8, slowly filling your lungs to as maximum of a capacity as you can, then exhale while counting from 1 to 8, emptying your lungs to the fullest extent that you can. You chose a number on the spot! Well, luckily you already had a favorite number. Good. You are making progress. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe your breath as you inhale and exhale. Once your breath reaches a natural rhythm, you may stop counting, and just let it flow. Observe your breath as it enters your nostrils, travels down your windpipe and into your lungs, causing them to inflate. Then observe the breath as it departs your lungs, travels back up the windpipe and exits your nostrils. Focus your full attention on your breath. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Now observe your thoughts. Your mind is always full of thoughts. Too many thoughts, coming from too many places. That is okay. Just observe them, as neutrally as possible. Recognize that they are there, but that they are not you. They are just thoughts. Now… Shut up Louie! Stupid guinea pig. No, that’s wrong. Wait no, that’s okay. You had that thought. Just observe it. Observe your thoughts, and don’t judge them. Now go even deeper, and observe the ideological origins of your thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe the ideologies. Everything is ideology. You might not think you are inside ideology, but you are inside ideology. Everyone is inside ideology. What ideology are you inside? Probably multiple, and they are all fighting against each other. Inhale and exhale. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe them neutrally. Recognize that they are there, but don’t let them possess you. Just observe. You are using ideology to write this book. That is okay. You are using a corrupted version of ancient Buddhist meditation techniques with an overly-simplistic Zizekian twist that you made up. Once again, irreverent as a motherfucker. That is fine. Observe it and keep on writing. Your desire to be “irreverent as a motherfucker” comes from Atheist Fundamentalist ideology. Yes, Atheism can be ideology too. Probably, anyway. This desire, more deeply, also stems from a desire to be seen as a Bad-Ass Aspie rather than an Angelic Aspie. The preference of the Bad-Ass over the Angelic comes from your Neoliberal-Capitalist Hollywood indoctrination. However, simultaneously, your desire to be a Marxist stems from your Bad-Ass indoctrination. Your Capitalist indoctrination is responsible for your Communist indoctrination. Ideology is circular. Ideology is ideology. Good progress, although cliche as fuck. Go back to the breathing. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Go deeper. Deeper. You are not yourself. You don’t know if you have ever been yourself. You are stuck in a persona. You are stuck in a character. You are always playing characters. You are always experimenting with different personas. Your personas are almost always ideologically based, and view the world through a certain lens. Persona is ideology. Pseudo-intellectualism is also ideology. That is okay. You are trying to sell pseudo-intellectual crap for money, which probably means you are more heavily indoctrinated by Capitalism than you thought. You do, however, hope that some truth will end up rising out of all the crap, like a… fly? But is truth also simply ideology? Is there truth at all? Is propaganda truth? Bad path. No, neutral path. Just observe. You are also hoping to get college credit in your social justice and human rights master’s program by writing this bullshit. Look at what an asshole you are. Bad-Ass ideology is probably responsible for this attitude too. Or is it simply Sociopathy? Is Sociopathy ideology? Bad thought. No, neutral thought. Observe the thought. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the personas. Observe the personas. Which one are you right now? Which persona most possesses you? It is probably Aspie Revolutionary, your favorite! Aspie-Revolutionary is a pretty multi-dimensional character too, however, and can probably be divided into several sub-personas himself. Try to figure out what they are. Continue the breathing. Observe the thoughts. Have you figured them out? Not yet. Well, just let Aspie Revolutionary do the talking now, and see what comes out. Remember that if the thoughts or ideologies get out of control, you can always return back to the breathing. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. And now write! Tantrums, children. Tantrums. More Tantrums. Keep on throwing tantrums. Throw more motherfucking tantrums! Never stop throwing tantrums! Resist. Resist. Resist. Resist! Oh shit, you’re out of control. Keep breathing. They are trying to control you. They are trying to socially condition you. What they are trying to condition you into is evil. They are trying to condition you into Neurotypicality. They are trying to condition you into Capitalism. They are trying to make you compete against each other. Inhale and exhale. But you are the true Marxists. Autism is a state of Natural Communism. This is why you always have the urge to resist. You know that what you are being taught is wrong. You know what they are trying to condition you into is wrong. You see the flaw in the knowledge system from a very young age, because you are geniuses. That’s all autism is! Keep breathing. Observe the thoughts. Remember that you are inside ideology. You behave the way you do, because your brain is rejecting your indoctrination. You don’t have the words to express why your indoctrination is wrong. Or maybe you do, and maybe you have tried to. But whenever you have tried to, they try to tell you it is your words that are wrong. They tell you that the neurotypical way is right. That their way of thinking is right. You are stuck now. You forgot where you were going with this. Back to the breathing. Inhale while counting to 8, exhale while counting to 8. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Everything is ideology. Zizekian-Aspie-Marxism or whatever the fuck you are in is also ideology. Just observe it, recognize that you are inside it. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. No, autism is not a state of Natural Communism, but a state of complete absence of ideology. In it’s purest form, anyway. Autism can exist in any type of society, regardless of its belief system. Complete absence of ideology is what pure, “low-functioning” autism would be, anyway. You are moving closer to the Aspie Philosopher side of your Aspie Revolutionary persona now. Or are they completely separate? Or is Aspie Revolutionary a side character while Aspie Philosopher is the main one? Either way, they are both equally narcissistic and pretentious. Narcissism is also ideology. That is okay. You had these thoughts. They might be complete crap, but you had them. Keep going. Inhale and exhale. The natural instincts of an autist are to reject all forms of indoctrination, because we naturally recognize that it is all ideology. “High-functioning” autism is an overly-literal interpretation of ideology. Rather, over-literal portrayal of ideology. The only way we can come close to behaving Neurotypically is through imitation, because ideology is so unnatural for us. Pure Neurotypicality is pure ideology. Pure Autism is pure absence of ideology. You probably saw something similar to this on the internet somewhere, but don’t remember. Just keep going. High-functioning, or Asperger’s, is therefore an extremely forced, awkward attempt at behaving ideologically. Or perhaps autism is satire of ideology? But that can’t be. Autists are satirically, sarcastically, abstractionally and nuance challenged, right? That thought came from Western-Capitalist-Mainstream-Psychological ideology. And that thought came from Aspie Revolutionary once again. Ideology is circular. Keep on breathing. Observe the personas. Observe the ideologies. Or could it be that we are not satirically, sarcastically, abstractionally and nuance challenged, but actually much more advanced? And that is why when we imitate Neurotypicality, the only way we can do it is in an over-exaggerated way that appears to be almost mocking? Yes it is! We are mocking you motherfuckers! Breathe. Your behavior is so idiotic that the only way we can possibly attempt to act like you is by doing it ironically, sarcastically, satirically. All the things you claim we are terrible at, but we actually understand at a much level than you. When we respond to sarcastic comments literally, it is not lack of understanding, it is counter-sarcasm! Autism is satire of Neurotypical ideology. Autism is satire of Neurotypicality. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Rather, Asperger’s is satire of Neurotypicality. Neurotypicality is ideology. Pure Autism is absence of ideology. Asperger’s is satire of ideology. Ironic portrayal of ideology. Asperger’s is representative of Pure Autism, and mocking of Neurotypicality. Oh god, this is all probably horribly offensive. Breathe. Deep breaths. Remember that you are inside… I forgot where I was going with this. I think I am going to try a different technique entirely. Screw Zizek for now. Take a ZigZag rolling paper out of its orange cardboard box. Tear a small, rectangular strip of cardboard off of the cover flap of the box. Roll the rectangular piece into a spiral. Tighten it up into a cylinder and this is now your filter. Place the rolling paper horizontally on the table in front of you, with the sticky side facing away from you. Place the filter in the middle of the natural fold, on the right edge of the paper. Who are you kidding? You are high already! You’ve been high since the beginning of the sentence: “I forgot where I was going with this.” Are you really going to describe the entire process of rolling a spliff? Do not call it a “ZigZag rolling paper.” You tore a rolling paper out of an orange cardboard box, the one with the words “ZIG-ZAG” written in large gold letters next to the picture of the Jesus-looking guy. Calling it a ZigZag rolling paper reinforces and perpetuates Corporatist-Capitalist ideology. It legitimizes a corporation’s existence in the public consciousness. It gives corporations a status closer to “fact” than “claim.” It is attitudes like yours that are driving corporations closer and closer to personhood, you idiot! Okay, so I guess Zizekian Aspie is still there, drugs or not. Ah crap, you created a new character, didn’t you? Oh, what was that? Different thoughts. I observed thoughts coming from a different place. Well, still Aspie Revolutionary/Aspie Philosopher but slightly different. Autism is political. Autism is at its very core, a political statement. This is why scientific explanations never do it any justice. We live in our own heads, and reject the reality given to us, because we recognize that it is only one of many possible realities. Autistic behavior is a form of protest against the reality that is attempted to be given to us. That is how I would describe my autistic behavior anyway. I think I might have chosen to be this way from a young age. Your words are trying to drag me into your paradigm. I am trying to escape paradigms. I am trying to exist in my own paradigm, because all your paradigms are bullshit! But I have learned through experience that the more I try to escape paradigms, the more paradigms try to pull me back in. Perhaps this is why autistics, ironically, end up being the ones who receive the most social conditioning, and therefore, often end up becoming some of the most “indoctrinated” member of society. A lot of us try to behave in such a way that we display an extreme form of whatever is the main indoctrination given to us. We do it over-literally and awkwardly as our own form of sarcasm, and as a form of protest. It is to say: “You might succeed in conditioning us, but we will never be at the exact level of conditioning that you want us to be. So we will behave over-conditioned. Conditioned to the point of appearing comical, satirical. So that we become a mirror to your stupidity.” Okay, it seems that you are saying pretty much the same things you were saying earlier, but in different words. But wait, aren’t you basically creating your own paradigm and accepting everything inside it as if it were fact? Well no, you are just writing. Most of it is probably bullshit anyway. Then again, most mainstream paradigms are bullshit too. You are just creating a counter-paradigm, counter-bullshit. It is a common radical tactic. It is just rhetoric. You live in what you see as an Orwellian world, and are just trying to battle it with counter-Orwellianism. Or Aspie Revolutionary is. Because that is how he thinks. No need to feel bad about it. Just don’t get out of control with it. Keep the flow going. But rather than say “Asperger’s is satire of Neurotypicality,” perhaps you should say “Asperger’s manifests metaphysically as satire of Neurotypicality?” But then again, doesn’t this imply you are inside the scientific paradigm analyzing the neurotypical paradigm? Saying “Asperger’s is satire of Neurotypicality” in those words directly is coming more directly from metaphysics, isn’t it? Is metaphysics what you are inside right now? Or is it epistemology? Philosophy? Pseudo-science? Propaganda? Just plain art? Do you even care what it is at this point? Yeah, it’s just propaganda. That’s fine. Just sell your propaganda for money, you capitalist pig. That’s all you are good at. And you’re not even that good at it. And look at how jargony your writing is. You are just trying to use as many catchy words as possible, you pseudo-Marxist capitalist pig. Okay now, stop. Stop everything you are doing entirely for a second. Stop Zizekian meditation, stop getting high, and try to be somewhat serious for a minute. You are being very negative about yourself. You are treating yourself like a complete idiot, and claiming that everything you say is complete bullshit. Why? It is probably your inferiority complex. Well, actually a combination of inferiority and superiority complexes. But let’s look at the inferiority side first. Autistic people are very prone to developing inferiority complexes, because this is how neurotypical society raises us. Yup, Aspie Revolutionary is still there. Oh, who cares if you are a persona or not? Just fucking write. In mainstream psychology, the term “echolalia” is often used to describe certain autistic behaviors. It is said that we imitate, and repeat words like a parrot. Parrot is even an ableist slur used against us. However, I would say that echolalia is not natural autistic behavior, but a result of the heavy social conditioning given to us throughout our lives. When someone is known to be autistic, or known to be “disordered” in any way, they will be treated largely in a condescending, infantilizing manner. Being raised under this treatment naturally gives one an inferiority complex, and feelings of being child-like. We “parrot” out of fear- because we feel like we are required to. Ideally, we would like to communicate in our own way, use words differently perhaps. But any society has a certain ideology, a certain invisible force that compels you to words in a certain specific way. Echolalia may be our way of trying to conform to this invisible force that we don’t understand, and don’t necessarily like either, but feel pressured to. The autistic brain often grasps language very well, but neurotypical psychology says we take it too literally. I would say that it is more that we use it correctly. Well, “correctly” is a relative concept too. Words in any language are symbols. Symbols for objects, for ideas. Ideas and objects can hypothetically be given a whole different set of symbols. One can exist in a whole different paradigm. Holy crap, did I just create my own paradigm? Do I literally exist in another paradigm? Another intellectual dimension? Oh wait, that’s right. I just got high again. But that doesn’t mean I am necessarily wrong, does it? I think I do exist in my own paradigm. But I have created characters that are capable of existing in socially acceptable paradigms. But I always see myself as an outsider to these paradigms. Except when I am so heavily in character that I see myself as an insider. I am in my own paradigm and interact with other paradigms but rarely step inside them. But is autism a paradigm of itself? Is that what it is? Am I actually writing all of this to attempt to escape a paradigm myself? Am I secretly trying to escape autism by writing this? My writing so far has been predominantly in the realm of the abstract. Is this in attempt to dismantle the notion, or the stereotype, that autistics can only understand the concrete? Be careful now. Your thoughts are starting to come from too Neurotypical Supremacist of a paradigm. Yup, Aspie Revolutionary is still there. Come to think of it, he is pretty much the only character who has been there consistently so far. Try something else. Here’s an idea. Go back to your Zizekian meditation. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe the paradigms. Blah blah blah. Go back to your previous thoughts. Repeat them. Repetition is all you’re good at, you fucking parrot. Just look at your writing. Stop! Don’t use slurs against yourself, that’s mean. Only use slurs if you are reclaiming the words. Good parrot. Have a cracker. Hmm, that second slur actually half-works on me too! Where were you? Oh yeah, repeat previous thoughts. Pure Neurotypicality is pure ideology. Pure Autism is pure absence of ideology. Asperger’s is satire of ideology. Now, just for the hell of it, write those same sentences, but in reverse. Pure Neurotypicality is pure absence of ideology. Pure Autism is pure ideology. Asperger’s is satire of ideology. So according to this theory, Asperger’s, or high-functioning autism, which is sort of a mid-point, ends up exactly where it was. Now keep going. Asperger’s is satire of Pure Autism. Pure Autism is ideology. Pure Neurotypicality is absence of ideology. Asperger’s is representative of Neurotypicality and mocking of Pure Autism. Hmm, this actually makes a little bit of sense to me, even in reverse, although it probably sounds offensive and ableist as fuck. You did just talk about the feeling of being trapped in a paradigm. Is the reverse of my previous theory actually more true, and it is autism that is being trapped in ideology? You just talked about the stereotype that autistics can only understand the concrete. Is that actually true? Oh crap, you’re getting back into Neurotypical Supremacy again. If this was a character, what would you call it? Self-Hating Aspie? Sure, let’s go with that. This would mean that Aspies are trying to behave Neurotypically, to behave without ideology, but can never fully accomplish it because they are trapped in their paradigms. Asperger’s behavior is mocking of Pure Autistic behavior- the behavior of being fully trapped in ideology. At least when you observe things at face-value. Autistics, from the outside, do appear to be trapped in something. Oh no! What the fuck have you just done to yourself? You are Self-Hating Aspie now! Do you hear yourself speak? You are even referring to Autistics and Aspies as “they.” You’ve become Self-Hating Aspie! You killed Aspie-Revolutionary! He’s not there anymore. Shit, this is scary. You don’t know how to think now. What have you done to yourself? You are in the mainstream paradigm now. Does that mean you are Neurotypical now? Well, you have definitely felt like this before in your life, although you wouldn’t have described it as “Self-Hating Aspie,” because you just thought of it as “you.” Also, why are you talking about yourself in the second person? Why am I talking about myself in the second person? Probably because I am so used to being talked about in the second person by people right in front of me. That’s how autistic people are generally raised. We often have the feeling of being objects and not subjects due to this infantilizing treatment. Good, Aspie Revolutionary is not fully dead. Wait, what was that? New ideas? Write them down. Form a hybrid version of both of these paradigms you created. Autism might appear to the outsider as being trapped in ideology. Actually, Neurotypicality is being trapped in ideology, but being unaware that one is trapped in ideology. Neurotypicality is the illusion of thinking one is free of ideology. Autism is being trapped in ideology, but being aware of it. Neurotypicals trap us in ideology unknowingly. Or perhaps knowingly, who knows? Asperger’s is satirical of being trapped in ideology but being unaware. It is the imitation of being trapped unknowingly- the state of Neurotypicality. Pure Autism is freedom, but appears to Neurotypicals as being trapped. Asperger’s is still freedom, but slightly less freedom. Asperger’s is the imitation of being trapped in order to achieve certain personal goals. Does that make any sense? I have no idea whatsoever. I really know nothing at this point. Is that what autism is? Socratic Fundamentalism? The state of naturally knowing that nothing is knowable? That everything is ideology, everything is a paradigm, everything is propaganda in one way or another? I would say that this has been the overall tone of this book so far. It is a boo that is trying to dismantle paradigms by creating alternate paradigms. That is the intention, anyway. But am I even using the word “paradigm” correctly? Am I using any words correctly? Wait, why would I care? I am using words the way I understand them. Or maybe I am creating alternate ways of understanding them? Is this dangerous? Okay, I’m pretty sure I should not claim this as actual attempted scientific theory, and should only claim it as art. If I am even using those words properly. Maybe it’s not even art. Maybe it’s just mixing random words together. But mixing random words together does dismantle paradigms, I suppose. Also, the feeling that you are only mixing random words together is coming from your low self-esteem. It is also coming from the infantilizing treatment, once again. Autistic words are considered just words that are said, implying that we don’t fully know the meanings. They are just words that are said for Neurotypicals to analyze. That was meant to be said in a sarcastic tone. But yeah, talk more about infantilizing treatment, and what it does to you. Oh, see that? I said “you” again. That’s an example. It’s almost like my tone of voice is that of a Neurotypical psychologist analyzing my behavior. I am two people at the same time, a doctor and patient, subject and object. Is that what autism is? The feeling of being an object? But would it manifest the same way if there was no psychological paradigm to make us feel like objects? I think infatilizing and objectifying treatment are responsible for a lot of autistic behavior. Much of autism is environmental. And it is possibly why my writing is not at its full potential and might sound very dumb and cliche. But I might be wrong about that too. Who knows? Okay, now take a step back from everything for a second. Go back to the Zizekian meditation. Well, no need to actually do it, because you already know what you are going to write. You identified another ideology that has been dominating your writing so far: Victimhood ideology. Really think about it. Are you more of a Victim or a Victimizer? A Bullied or a Bully? An Oppressed or an Oppressor? Go back to your meditation and think about it.

Tiki-Taka and the Rise and Fall of Ideology


This post will go slightly off topic from what I usually write about, but its relevance will soon become clear. This is a post about one of my Aspie obsessions, football. That’s “soccer” for all the Yanks, Mounties, Aussies, Kiwis, Bafana Bafanas and other silly people out there.

I am going to analyse the rise and fall of “tiki-taka,” the unique, stylish, innovative, entertaining, seemingly unbeatable style of playing football invented chiefly by Pep Guardiola during his tenure at Spanish club FC Barcelona. Tiki-taka is a tactic that places heavy emphasis on patiently keeping possession of the ball, using intricate sequences of short passes to weave the ball around opposing defenders in tight spaces, waiting patiently for the perfect moment to strike, and finally using a quick passing combination to get through on goal. Here is a compilation of some of the best moments of Barcelona tiki-taka:

Initiated by Guardiola when he became manager of the club in 2008, tiki-taka quickly took Spain and¬†Europe by storm. Barcelona won 3 La Ligas, 2 Copa Del Reys, 2 Champions Leagues and 2 FIFA Club World Cups, among other trophies under Guardiola’s reign, which was the era of the peak of tiki-taka. Tiki-taka was unstoppable. No matter how much teams tried, they simply could not steal the ball from Barca! And with creative football geniuses such as Xavi Hernandez, Andres Iniesta, and course Lionel Messi on the pitch, goals were always to be found in abundance. It seemed like a team, and a style, that could never be beaten. But eventually it did, starting with Barca’s match against English club Chelsea FC in the 2012 Champions League semi-final. And it kept going downhill from there. Why? Because Pep Guardiola got too dogmatic about tiki-taka. That’s right, this is a story about ideology.

In the 2012 semi-final, Chelsea manager Roberto Di Matteo employed a tactic notoriously known as “parking the bus.” In this system, all 10 outfield players just stayed back in their own penalty area whenever Barca had the ball, defending as a formidable wall that the Spartans themselves would be envious of. Chelsea made no effort whatsoever to keep possession. They let Barca have all the possession they wanted, but just wouldn’t let them do anything with it. Chelsea could never get the ball, but Barca could never get past the parked bus. But on the rare occasions when they did get the ball, Chelsea had the same strategy every time: counterattack like mad!

Whoever got the ball would immediately do a long pass to one of the forwards, who would be sprinting towards goal at full speed. Three or four attackers would do this, with the intention of making a quick break with 2-3 passes and going straight for goal. And it worked. Chelsea won 3-2 on aggregate over two legs, one played in London and one in Barcelona. Barca did manage 2 goals in the second leg against a 10-man Chelsea, (John Terry got red-carded) but the Blues bounced back. And all three of Chelsea’s goals were scored from parking the bus and counterattacking. You can see the goals from the second match¬†here:

What this match symbolised for me is the futility of ideology. That an ideology, whether it be capitalism, communism, anarchy, totalitarianism, Christianity, Islam or tiki-taka, no matter how perfect and utopian it seems, is always incomplete and doomed to eventually fail. There is always a loophole, an Achilles Heel, to ideology. I mean, I always loved Barcelona’s tiki-taka, despite being a Chelsea fan. (although I am considering switching allegiances to Arsenal given recent events) I thought it was beautiful, artistic and highly entertaining, and I too was a dogmatic believer in it. I thought tiki-taka was invincible. But as with any ideology, sooner or later someone will find a way to break it. Someone will park a bus in front of your ideology and shut it down. The popular bumper sticker “My karma ran over your dogma” springs to mind. Although I would like to get one that says “My bus ran over your tiki-taka!”

So how is this relevant to Aspie Revolution? Well, what are the ideologies keeping us oppressed? Neoliberalism, meritocracy, salesmanship culture, pathologization, the DSM, neurotypical supremacy, and so on. My fellow Aspies, it is time for we as a people to start parking our bus!

Hmm… For an Aspie, I think I made pretty good use of metaphor in this article.

The Hegemonic Agenda Behind the Pathologization of Autism


There is a long history of pathologization being used as a tool of social control. This is a history that I am too lazy to go into much detail for the purposes of this post, but will do in later posts. For this phase of the blog, I am not doing much research, but simply writing whatever comes into my head.

But yeah, there has been a long history of pathologization and social control. Watch this video about philosopher Michel Foucault to get a brief background on the theme:

So basically, in periods such as the Renaissance, people who under modern standards would be considered mentally ill, then were considered simply eccentric, and perhaps even wise. Many of the great writers and thinkers of the Renaissance were probably people who would be considered mentally ill today. But in those days, they were considered fully equal members of society, who roamed the streets and participated in public life just like anybody else. There was no such thing as insane asylums, and what we now see as “mental illness” was not seen as something needing to be corrected, treated or punished. This is a more recent phenomenon, although there are examples of it from various places and times in history. For example, the first guy to discover the Earth is round was probably declared insane and called a blasphemer by the Catholic Church and hung. Or something like that. I’ll do the research later.

Now, we move forward to the modern day, where the predominant global hegemonic ideology is neoliberal capitalism. It is, of course, not the only ideology, but I would say it is the main one, which affects the greatest percentage of the world’s population. Perhaps only North Korea, Cuba, and various tribal communities around the world could claim to exist outside its influence.

Neoliberalism’s successful implementation depends upon the establishment of open global free-market trade; an easily manipulable, abundant supply of cheap laborers with a high, largely Protestantism-inspired work ethic; and an elaborate, subliminal web of propaganda mechanisms designed to make people in all corners of the world fall for this truly insane* ideology that is detrimental to perhaps 90% of the world population’s well-being.

Obviously, the implementation of this ideological scheme depends upon the moulding of its intended subjects (which is essentially the labor force of the entire world, particularly the third world, as well as the indigenous communities whom neoliberalism seeks to proletarianise into it) into the ideal cogs to fit into this particular machine. It seeks to create a global army of hard-working, obedient, docile laborers who will accept low wages and shitty working conditions and do what they are told without question. Of course, most, if not all, ideologies have their own visions of what an “ideal citizen” to fit their system would be. Communism certainly had its own, for example. But this is the 21st century, when neoliberal capitalism dominates, so I am going to focus on this.

Pathologization, or disordering, is a technique used to inferiorise, dehumanise and “other” those people who fail to meet the standards of the “ideal citizen” that any given ideology expects all people to be. Incidentally, the word “pathologization” and all its variants are labelled as incorrectly spelt on this website, as well as in Microsoft Word. So is “neurotypical,” for that matter. A subtle neoliberal censorship attempt perhaps? Nah, I think I am being a bit too Orwellian there. Damn it, Slavoj Zizek! You make me overthink these things!

Autistics, in particular, make arguably the worst docile, obedient citizens among all demographics of society. We are a neoliberal’s worst nightmare! We are disobedient, we throw tantrums if ordered to do things, we are impossible to condition, and we are incapable of learning the social skills necessary to develop the virtually mandatory “salesman personality” that is essential to keep capitalism running at full speed. We pretty much have to be pathologized!

To make matters worse, we are very intelligent, and very literal-minded and honest people. We are too smart to be socially conditioned, and therefore we resist it. I suspect, anyway. I can’t speak for all Aspies and autists, but this has been largely my personal experience. Honesty is a trait incompatible with neoliberal capitalism, because it makes it difficult to make sales, especially of useless products.

Literality (in other words, the interpretation of everything as singlespeak– a term I coined in a previous post) is detrimental to capitalism because it relies on doublespeak to function. Concepts such as “economic freedom,” “progress,” “equal opportunity” and “climbing the ladder” are all sayings with double-meanings. They are sayings that sound like they have positive connotations, but in reality can have extremely detrimental effects. An autist, by happy accident, might one day use one of these terms in a very literal manner, or use different, more critical-sounding words to describe one of the aforementioned themes that are supposed to be said in doublespeak. For example, an Aspie might call “climbing the ladder” “pushing people down the ladder and climbing over them.” This is why over-literal singlespeak must be suppressed as a legitimate form of social interaction. Autistic literality is disruptive to the fa√ßade of neoliberal capitalist doublespeak.

This article, laced with blasphemous amounts of singlespeak, contains themes I believe should be quite central to any radical autism rights movement. I therefore propose another slogan:

The Right to Singlepeak.

*No pun intended.

Autism: A Rejection of Social Conditioning


Autism, as well as anything else described in mainstream psychology as a “mental disorder,” is thought to be something a person is afflicted with, as if it is a disease that can be cured. Regardless of whether you have a negative or positive view of autism, you most likely see it as a condition that a person has, implying that it is external to their identity, rather than a part of who they are.

This is why some autistic rights activists prefer the term “autistic person” rather than “person with autism,” even though the former term might intuitively look to many as the more offensive term at first glance. But consider this- would a black person enjoy being called a “person with blackness?” Personally, I have no preference for one term or the other as I am generally a rather politically incorrect person. I enjoy using slurs and making fun of other groups in good humor, and want to give that same freedom to others who want to make fun of retards like me as well. I also believe it is about time for my people to reclaim the R-word! Just like the Ns did! But that’s a topic for another day.

Now, if I had to choose which of the terms out of “autistic person” or “person with autism” I consider more accurate, I would say neither. I would say the most accurate term is “person without neurotypicality.” I see autism not as something someone has, but as something they don’t have– this thing called neurotypical social conditioning. This, in my opinion, is the condition certain people have. Pun intended.

What neurotypicals call “autistics” are those people who, for whatever reason, have failed to become properly socially conditioned. They have failed to behaviourally reach the ranks of the neurological upper class. And this is what we are seen as- failures. Failures because we cannot socialise and behave neurotypically enough. But sometimes I wonder: Is it really that we are failed attempts at conditioning, or just that we simply don’t want to be conditioned?

It is¬†usually assumed that autistic children are trying very hard to be “normal,” but are simply unable to. Because obviously, neurotypicality is the pinnacle of human existence that everybody wants to be! (sarcasm) From my own experience as a child, I would say that, largely, I simply rejected it. I resisted social conditioning. As I got into higher grades and college it became more difficult, but now that I am a 29-year old adult, I am starting to return to rejecting it once again. I can still put on a character for the sake of social interactions, but otherwise, I am freeing myself from conditioning!

I was largely non-verbal as a child- almost completely mute in school, but talked pretty much normally with family and most family friends. It could be described as selective mutism- I don’t remember exactly where the line between verbality and non-verbality was drawn. It was always assumed that I didn’t talk because I was “shy.” That is the label we are usually given. Yes, there was a degree of shyness and social anxiety, but that is not the full story. It was also largely that I did not want to socialise in manner they were prescribing me. I did not want to be conditioned and moulded into a charismatic salesman, a workhorse of the state, a docile obedient citizen who smiles like¬†a jackass and does what he’s told. Of course, I did not have this advanced of a vocabulary at age 5, but this is just my analysis of the situation today.

When we are given the label “shy,” it is under the assumption that neurotypical socialization is something we desire, and that we are not achieving it because we are too anxious. It is positing non-shyness, sociability and extraversion as ideals that everybody should strive for. Well, have you ever considered that perhaps we simply reject these ideals? That we consciously choose not to strive for them? That, despite what many people think, autists are fully capable of making conscious, independent decisions?

I think a good slogan for a radical autism rights movement would be A Rejection of Social Conditioning. Or Resistance Against Social Conditioning. Whichever you think sounds catchier. Maybe the latter because it sounds more social-justicey?


A Connection Between Autism and Sociopathy?


When reading descriptions, in various literature including the DSM, of Aspies and autistics on one hand, and narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths on the other, I couldn’t help but notice many similarities. And it scared me, because I realized that I had a decent number of narcissistic and sociopathic traits myself. Keep in mind, however, that I noticed this during the days when I had a far greater literality problem than I do today. It was also before I had fully developed a radical, sceptical attitude toward everything I see, hear or read.

Therefore, I essentially saw documents such as the DSM as the literal Law of the Land, as an ultimate “gospel” of truth. I use the word gospel ironically, because this was also during my militant atheist phase, when I saw anything categorised as “science” as truth, and anything¬†vaguely religious or spiritual-sounding as, to use a Sheldonism, hokum.

Naturally, this over-literal interpretation of the DSM caused me a great deal of internalised oppression, leading me to see myself as a disordered, inferior individual. Then again, there is also the question of whether my tendency towards over-literal interpretations was not entirely natural, but caused in part by my own reading of the descriptions, in popular literature, of autistic people’s over-literal interpretation of information, leading me to internalise it and become a “textbook Aspie.” But that’s a story for another day.

Back to the main point. Some of the similarities between the autism spectrum and the narcissism/psychopathy spectrum I have noticed are lack of empathy, lack of concern of (or being oblivious to) others’ needs, and lack of emotional reciprocity in social exchanges. But there can’t possibly be a connection between the two spectrums, can there? I mean, they are two completely different thing. Autistics are just innocent little retarded angels, while psychopaths are evil diabolical maniacs!

If you found the previous sentence offensive, keep in mind that it was written due to the author’s¬†lack of empathy, stemming from either his Asperger’s, which would cause him to write such a thing due to not knowing¬†any better, or his sociopathy, causing him to write such a thing because he simply does not give a shit. In either case, since both conditions are considered to be mental disorders, criticising me for writing it would make you an ableist. And in case it was not apparent, the previous two sentences were my attempt at sarcasm. As my people are known to be poor with sarcasm, I apologize if I did not pull it off properly.

Now, just for the sake of simplifying things, I am going to break down all the conditions I previously described into two categories: the ASD spectrum, which is the entire autism spectrum (including Asperger’s of course), and the NSP spectrum, a term I made up to describe the narcissism-sociopathy-psychopathy spectrum. Keep in mind that I claim nothing I write as legitimate scientific theory, but more as personal observations about the world. This is closer to art than science.

And to clarify, I am not suggesting that ASD and NSP are literally the same spectrum, but more that those on the ASD spectrum may have a tendency towards developing NSP traits due to environmental conditions and possibly other factors. In particular, I would think it is the higher-functioning autists and Aspies who develop them.

To first single out narcissism from the NSP spectrum, I would say, while admitting that I am probably somewhat of a narcissist myself, that this tendency to be self-absorbed, care only about oneself and not be considerate of others, can easily develop in ASD types due to being raised in an environment, and a culture, where they feel they are not loved or appreciated for who they are. Their natural behavior and mannerisms are shamed, and they are taught the “correct” way to behave by society. They are essentially taught the message that who they are is wrong, and they will be liked more if they be someone else.

Growing up in such an environment will lead to very low self-esteem and the feeling of being un-loved. When one is un-loved, in can, in my opinion, lead to one of two psychological reactions: to continuously live with extremely low self-esteem and hate oneself, or descend (or ascend if you want to look at it that way) into narcissism as a defence mechanism. In other words, if you are not loved enough by others, you must love yourself even more. As someone who has chosen the path of narcissism for many phases of his life, I would definitely describe it as an ascension, rather than a descension, given the alternatives.

To move on to sociopathy, this too, in my opinion, stems from not being appreciated for who one is. Many Aspies, especially the higher-functioning types, find that if they behave more normally or neurotypically- in other words, less like themselves- they will be more appreciated and liked. Thus, they get in a habit of acting like a different person all the time, something that requires a degree of sociopathy to pull off. I have often felt like a sociopath, because the persona I adopt while interacting with others is so different from how I am normally.

Now, remember that in psychological terms, all psychopaths and sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths or psychopaths. Similarly, the distinction between psychopath and sociopath is that psychopaths are supposedly genetically born without empathy, guilt or remorse, while sociopaths are those who develop psychopathic traits due to environmental conditions. Or something like that.

I would then say that those with ASD can be prone to developing the N and S of the NSP spectrum, but not the P. They can easily develop narcissistic and sociopathic traits, but probably could never be full-blooded psychopaths, if there even is such a thing. After all, autistics are also known for high physical and emotional sensitivity to certain stimuli. This is actually opposite to descriptions of psychopathy- often portrayed as “emotionlessness.” This is a theme I will return to in a later article.

So basically, this is the connection I see between the ASD and NSP spectrums. And this might sound controversial, but I don’t believe the NSP spectrum should be pathologised either. If there was a Psychopath Rights movement, I would fully support it! I mean, not as a way of justifying harmful actions done by those on the NSP spectrum of course, but as a way of getting them better accepted into society, in ways that allow them to thrive while doing less harm to people. Another theme for a later post.

I would probably describe myself as a narcissist with some sociopathic traits, as well as an Aspie of course. But let’s do away with the labels and just accept each other, shan’t we?


Singlespeak vs. Doublespeak


In my previous piece, I discussed my probably Aspie-related difficulties in distinguishing between things like fact and opinion, and truth and rhetoric. Then after a few conversations with people, I realized that these terms such as “fact” and “opinion” are perhaps not the most accurate ones to categorise the types of speech, statements and knowledge I am attempting to categorise- into those types which I find difficult and those which I find easy or natural. “Truth,” “fact” and “science”¬†vaguely fall into one category, while “rhetoric,” “opinion” and “art” fall into another, but they are not the only things that fit into the categories. I needed to figure out what other things fit into the categories, and then to define the categories and give them names.

Other things that fit into the “opinion” category, I realised, are humor, jokes, sarcasm, irony, satire, indirect speech, persuasive speech, manipulative speech, hidden agendas, hidden meanings, propaganda, most political speech, stereotypes, symbolism, metaphor, romantic speech, and basically everything else that Sheldon Cooper hates.

The “fact” category is essentially the opposite of everything in the opinion category. It is everything factual, logical, rational, scientific, direct, literal, truthful¬†and straightforward. It is everything that Aspies are stereotyped to be. It is the essence of Spock.

So, now how do I define these categories? One way might be to call them “literal speech” and “nuanced speech.” After all, autistics are often described as being very literal, while having trouble with any type of nuance. These are probably the closest one can get in defining these categories given the limits of the English language. However, being a George Orwell fan, as well as someone who loves coming up with his own catchy terminology, I have decided to name the categories singlespeak and doublespeak.*

I would say these are quite accurate titles, linguistically speaking. Singlespeak is speech that has a single meaning, a literal, straightforward meaning. There is no hidden meaning behind it other than what is explicitly stated. Examples of singlespeak are:

“The world is round.”


“I went to the bank today.”

“I don’t know.”

“You and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter which Leonard characterized as ‘just fine,’ so what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.” (a Sheldon quote from Big Bang Theory season 3, episode 2 mentioned in a previous post)

Doublespeak has double, or more than double meanings, or perhaps an intended meaning different from a literal interpretation of the statement, or perhaps a vague meaning or even an incomprehensible meaning that is a puzzle of solve, or has meaning that might be different for each person, or meaning that some people will accept but others will reject. Examples of doublespeak are:

“Tea is better than coffee.”

“Jewish people are stingy.”

“Excuse me Miss, may I buy you a drink?”

“Life is a rollercoaster.”

“A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks ‘Why the long face?'”

“The procrastinator’s meeting has been postponed.”

“God created the world in seven days.”

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” (obviously)

“Let’s make America great again!”

You get the idea. I tried to include as diverse a range of doublespeak examples as possible, ranging from humor, irony and metaphor to stereotypes, persuasions and propaganda. Doublespeak, I theorise, is what autistics have the most trouble with. An autistic paradise, perhaps, would be one in which all that exists is singlespeak. A world full of Sheldons.

Incidentally, such a world does exist, even if only in cinematic form:

This clip is from a film called The Invention of Lying, but in my opinion it could just as easily be titled The First Neurotypical or The Invention of Doublespeak. The premise is that the characters are living in an alternate universe where there is no such thing as lying. Everybody tells the blunt, honest truth all the time, with no regard for the feelings of the people they are talking to.

On the plus side, it is an honest society where cheating, manipulation and exploitation are impossible, everybody is trustworthy, and advertising does not even exist because it relies on dishonesty! On the minus side, people end up being insulted all the time and there is no such thing as movies either- acting is a form of lying. I assume this applies to all forms of drama and fiction as well. Historical documentaries are the only form of video entertainment, because these are truthful.

This hypothetical world, to me, very much resembles what I imagine a world full of Aspies would look like- if everybody was a Sheldon. There is virtually no nuanced speech, and everything is direct,¬†literal and to the point. It is truly a world of singlespeak. About a quarter-way into the movie, Ricky Gervais’ character becomes the first person in this world to “discover” lying. He takes huge advantage of his new ability, messing with people’s heads, cheating the banks into giving him enormous sums of money, getting women into bed with him and inventing the “Man in the Sky,” essentially creating¬† religion- something that cannot exist in an honest world either! As an Aspie, I see Gervais’ transformation as more than the discovery of lying. It is the discovery of neurotypical nuance, of doublespeak.

However, I must remind myself of my dedication towards, in the tradition of Socrates, operating under the assumption that I know nothing. And if I know nothing, then to me, that would mean that there is no such thing as fact. And if there is no such thing as fact, then I suppose there can be no such thing as singlespeak either. Singlespeak relies on the assumption that things do exist that are 100% truthful and factual, which I am not sure I believe. Perhaps all speech is essentially doublespeak in one way or another- everything is subject to multiple interpretations. Perhaps Orwell was not describing a dystopian hell, but the reality of every society that every existed- because a doublespeak society is the only type of society that possibly can exist. After all, is 1984 really that different from the world we live in today?

* George Orwell is dead, so I’m pretty sure he can’t sue me for copyright infringement.

I am no Master, I know Nothing…


The title of this post, taken from lyrics of a song by Nahko Bear and Medicine for the People, is intended to signal a philosophical shift in the direction of this blog. To sum it up, this shift was brought about by realizations about myself and the way my brain operates- which could potentially be Asperger’s-related, merely personal quirks, or a combination of both- which, after a long period of confusion and mental breakdown, finally led me to the following conclusion:

I know nothing.

Of course, there is no known correlation between autism and knowing nothing- in fact the statement “I know nothing” is almost the basis of all of philosophy! The reason I bring up the spectrum is due to personal realizations I have had about the peculiarities of how my¬†brain processes information,¬†which appears to be similar to descriptions of the minds¬†of other autistics. Now, if you happen to be a DSM worshipper, I recommend that you stop reading here. You likely have the attitude that an autist cannot possibly have the mental capacity for this level of introspection and philosophical analysis, and will¬†view my writing as simply the product of disorder. In fact, if you are a DSM worshipper, I recommend that you don’t read my blog at all, unless you are seriously willing to challenge your beliefs. That being said, I also don’t want to make any negative assumptions about my readers, and apologize if the slur of “DSM worshipper” offended you.

Now, the way my mind processes information (or at least how I suspect it processes information- keep in mind that I know nothing) is to interpret everything seen, read or heard as if it was fact. I am, on an¬†intellectual level,¬†aware of the difference between fact and opinion, between truth and rhetoric, between scientific theory and literary narrative, but in real-life settings, my brain processes all these things in exactly the same manner. Modern-day psychology would probably describe this phenomenon as the autistic’s tendency towards ultra-literal interpretation of information, which I would say is relatively accurate but not fully complete.

I would theorize that interpreting everything as literal fact is perhaps not the natural state of an autistic mind, but a default state that it shifts into when unsure what to do with new sensory input. Particularly, from personal experience, I would say that this shift happens during times of stress, fear, anxiety and sensory overload. For some of us on the spectrum, we may even be permanently in this shifted state due to living in a state of constant fear. I will continue on this theme in more depth in a later post.

It is due to the realization of this tendency of my mind, that I have recently been trying to train it to do the exact opposite of what it does naturally- to interpret everything as if it were opinion, rather than interpret everything as fact. However, I am hesitant about my use of the word “naturally,” because like I said in the previous paragraph, I am sceptical about whether my state of literal, factual processing is actually “natural,” or if it a shifted state. Perhaps the state of interpreting all as opinion is actually the more natural one. There is no way of knowing at this point.

Either way, it seems that my brain has to either function one way or the other, and there is no middle ground. There is no automatic filtering system to distinguish fact from opinion, a trait that neurotypicals appear to naturally possess. Which brings us to the broader philosophical question of: Is there really such a thing as fact? Is the neurotypical ability to distinguish opinion from fact really the “proper” way for the¬†mind to function, or is it, in a sense, a less philosophically accurate state of being?

It is also this tendency of my mind that made social justice courses very difficult for me. Social justice is neither purely a science nor purely an art. It largely consists of socio-scientific theory mixed with personal narratives. I probably had a lot of trouble distinguishing between the two and ended up interpreting everything said as literal scientific fact. Thus, when presented with information counter to my social justice indoctrination, particularly coming from neoliberal capitalist narratives, it caused me serious cognitive dissonance and caused my brain to malfunction, as you imagine!

It is because of this that I have decided to adopt¬†a policy of greater neutrality in this blog and attempt to write from an “I know nothing” perspective. However, I will still¬†express my opinions. I will still use language that will appear to be ideological. I will still probably have a radical Marxist voice in much of my writing. But I will try to be more aware of that what I am writing is not fact, but opinion. It is rhetoric, and is largely emotion-based. Some of it may involve attempting to formulate scientific theories, but I by no means claim anything I say as fact, or ultimate truth.

I have also realized it is a tendency of my writing to mix up facts with rhetoric, and I often switch between the two without having any idea of which one I am doing at any given time. This is just my writing style, and I apologize if I confuse anyone. Main point is- don’t interpret anything I say as ultimate truth, and I will try not to do the same with my own writing.

I am no master, I know nothing.