The Evolution of Aspie Revolutionary, Part I

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I was originally going to attempt to write what I am writing here as a book, but recent events in my life make me feel a more urgent need to put it out into the public consciousness more immediately. Aspie Revolutionary is just a character I created, and I am pretty sure he is not the way my brain actually naturally works. Then again, I don’t know if my brain naturally works in any one way. I think I have created various characters that think in different ways. However, I am still pretty sure I am actually autistic, and do not feel I am completely a fraud. I think it is more Imposter Syndrome than anything else. However, I must say that Aspie Revolutionary can be a really horrible person at times, especially when I play him in real life. But I still don’t feel he fully needs to die, and still believe that he can evolve. He has good sides to him too. He is very multi-dimensional. I/he am/is trying to become more self-aware. And that is what this writing is supposed to be about, although at least in the first couple of parts, I might seem just as offensive as before. I see this as stream of consciousness writing- writing whatever comes to my mind, regardless of whether I am stuck in a character or not. It is character evolution through a writing process. Or something like that. And I feel the need to emphasize that I am writing through a character so that I don’t get labelled a terrorist or anything. I repeat: NOT a terrorist! I am going to start by just typing out what I already had written down pretty much as it is. Yeah, that’s probably all I need to say here, it’ll eventually become self-explanatory. I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be. Enjoy!

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The current working title of this book is “Zizekian Meditation, Aspie-Marxist Propaganda and other Trippy Pseudo-Intellectual Crap to Read when You’re High.” Go to your mother’s shrine in the northwest corner of the meditation room, overlooking the football field to the west of your house. Apparently, one is supposed to face east when meditating, but what do you care? You are currently sitting at a shrine that contains various statues and images of Hindu deities, a Buddha’s head, a Christian cross, the Atheist star that goes on top of your family’s Christmas tree every year, and the photo of Slavoj Zizek you printed out the day before yesterday. You are already being irreverent as a motherfucker. Who cares what direction you are facing? Find a comfortable sitting position. It could be cross-legged. It could be kneeling. Kneeling seems easier. But you will probably change your mind again later. You are too indecisive. Close your eyes, or leave them open a slit. Just do something with your eyes. Okay, close. Focus now. Enough indecision. Take this a little more seriously. But not too seriously. Moderately seriously. Shut up and start breathing! Start by taking slow, long, deep breaths. Slowly inhale, then slowly exhale. Inhale while counting from 1 to 8, slowly filling your lungs to as maximum of a capacity as you can, then exhale while counting from 1 to 8, emptying your lungs to the fullest extent that you can. You chose a number on the spot! Well, luckily you already had a favorite number. Good. You are making progress. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe your breath as you inhale and exhale. Once your breath reaches a natural rhythm, you may stop counting, and just let it flow. Observe your breath as it enters your nostrils, travels down your windpipe and into your lungs, causing them to inflate. Then observe the breath as it departs your lungs, travels back up the windpipe and exits your nostrils. Focus your full attention on your breath. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Now observe your thoughts. Your mind is always full of thoughts. Too many thoughts, coming from too many places. That is okay. Just observe them, as neutrally as possible. Recognize that they are there, but that they are not you. They are just thoughts. Now… Shut up Louie! Stupid guinea pig. No, that’s wrong. Wait no, that’s okay. You had that thought. Just observe it. Observe your thoughts, and don’t judge them. Now go even deeper, and observe the ideological origins of your thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe the ideologies. Everything is ideology. You might not think you are inside ideology, but you are inside ideology. Everyone is inside ideology. What ideology are you inside? Probably multiple, and they are all fighting against each other. Inhale and exhale. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe them neutrally. Recognize that they are there, but don’t let them possess you. Just observe. You are using ideology to write this book. That is okay. You are using a corrupted version of ancient Buddhist meditation techniques with an overly-simplistic Zizekian twist that you made up. Once again, irreverent as a motherfucker. That is fine. Observe it and keep on writing. Your desire to be “irreverent as a motherfucker” comes from Atheist Fundamentalist ideology. Yes, Atheism can be ideology too. Probably, anyway. This desire, more deeply, also stems from a desire to be seen as a Bad-Ass Aspie rather than an Angelic Aspie. The preference of the Bad-Ass over the Angelic comes from your Neoliberal-Capitalist Hollywood indoctrination. However, simultaneously, your desire to be a Marxist stems from your Bad-Ass indoctrination. Your Capitalist indoctrination is responsible for your Communist indoctrination. Ideology is circular. Ideology is ideology. Good progress, although cliche as fuck. Go back to the breathing. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Go deeper. Deeper. You are not yourself. You don’t know if you have ever been yourself. You are stuck in a persona. You are stuck in a character. You are always playing characters. You are always experimenting with different personas. Your personas are almost always ideologically based, and view the world through a certain lens. Persona is ideology. Pseudo-intellectualism is also ideology. That is okay. You are trying to sell pseudo-intellectual crap for money, which probably means you are more heavily indoctrinated by Capitalism than you thought. You do, however, hope that some truth will end up rising out of all the crap, like a… fly? But is truth also simply ideology? Is there truth at all? Is propaganda truth? Bad path. No, neutral path. Just observe. You are also hoping to get college credit in your social justice and human rights master’s program by writing this bullshit. Look at what an asshole you are. Bad-Ass ideology is probably responsible for this attitude too. Or is it simply Sociopathy? Is Sociopathy ideology? Bad thought. No, neutral thought. Observe the thought. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the personas. Observe the personas. Which one are you right now? Which persona most possesses you? It is probably Aspie Revolutionary, your favorite! Aspie-Revolutionary is a pretty multi-dimensional character too, however, and can probably be divided into several sub-personas himself. Try to figure out what they are. Continue the breathing. Observe the thoughts. Have you figured them out? Not yet. Well, just let Aspie Revolutionary do the talking now, and see what comes out. Remember that if the thoughts or ideologies get out of control, you can always return back to the breathing. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. And now write! Tantrums, children. Tantrums. More Tantrums. Keep on throwing tantrums. Throw more motherfucking tantrums! Never stop throwing tantrums! Resist. Resist. Resist. Resist! Oh shit, you’re out of control. Keep breathing. They are trying to control you. They are trying to socially condition you. What they are trying to condition you into is evil. They are trying to condition you into Neurotypicality. They are trying to condition you into Capitalism. They are trying to make you compete against each other. Inhale and exhale. But you are the true Marxists. Autism is a state of Natural Communism. This is why you always have the urge to resist. You know that what you are being taught is wrong. You know what they are trying to condition you into is wrong. You see the flaw in the knowledge system from a very young age, because you are geniuses. That’s all autism is! Keep breathing. Observe the thoughts. Remember that you are inside ideology. You behave the way you do, because your brain is rejecting your indoctrination. You don’t have the words to express why your indoctrination is wrong. Or maybe you do, and maybe you have tried to. But whenever you have tried to, they try to tell you it is your words that are wrong. They tell you that the neurotypical way is right. That their way of thinking is right. You are stuck now. You forgot where you were going with this. Back to the breathing. Inhale while counting to 8, exhale while counting to 8. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Everything is ideology. Zizekian-Aspie-Marxism or whatever the fuck you are in is also ideology. Just observe it, recognize that you are inside it. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. No, autism is not a state of Natural Communism, but a state of complete absence of ideology. In it’s purest form, anyway. Autism can exist in any type of society, regardless of its belief system. Complete absence of ideology is what pure, “low-functioning” autism would be, anyway. You are moving closer to the Aspie Philosopher side of your Aspie Revolutionary persona now. Or are they completely separate? Or is Aspie Revolutionary a side character while Aspie Philosopher is the main one? Either way, they are both equally narcissistic and pretentious. Narcissism is also ideology. That is okay. You had these thoughts. They might be complete crap, but you had them. Keep going. Inhale and exhale. The natural instincts of an autist are to reject all forms of indoctrination, because we naturally recognize that it is all ideology. “High-functioning” autism is an overly-literal interpretation of ideology. Rather, over-literal portrayal of ideology. The only way we can come close to behaving Neurotypically is through imitation, because ideology is so unnatural for us. Pure Neurotypicality is pure ideology. Pure Autism is pure absence of ideology. You probably saw something similar to this on the internet somewhere, but don’t remember. Just keep going. High-functioning, or Asperger’s, is therefore an extremely forced, awkward attempt at behaving ideologically. Or perhaps autism is satire of ideology? But that can’t be. Autists are satirically, sarcastically, abstractionally and nuance challenged, right? That thought came from Western-Capitalist-Mainstream-Psychological ideology. And that thought came from Aspie Revolutionary once again. Ideology is circular. Keep on breathing. Observe the personas. Observe the ideologies. Or could it be that we are not satirically, sarcastically, abstractionally and nuance challenged, but actually much more advanced? And that is why when we imitate Neurotypicality, the only way we can do it is in an over-exaggerated way that appears to be almost mocking? Yes it is! We are mocking you motherfuckers! Breathe. Your behavior is so idiotic that the only way we can possibly attempt to act like you is by doing it ironically, sarcastically, satirically. All the things you claim we are terrible at, but we actually understand at a much level than you. When we respond to sarcastic comments literally, it is not lack of understanding, it is counter-sarcasm! Autism is satire of Neurotypical ideology. Autism is satire of Neurotypicality. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Rather, Asperger’s is satire of Neurotypicality. Neurotypicality is ideology. Pure Autism is absence of ideology. Asperger’s is satire of ideology. Ironic portrayal of ideology. Asperger’s is representative of Pure Autism, and mocking of Neurotypicality. Oh god, this is all probably horribly offensive. Breathe. Deep breaths. Remember that you are inside… I forgot where I was going with this. I think I am going to try a different technique entirely. Screw Zizek for now. Take a ZigZag rolling paper out of its orange cardboard box. Tear a small, rectangular strip of cardboard off of the cover flap of the box. Roll the rectangular piece into a spiral. Tighten it up into a cylinder and this is now your filter. Place the rolling paper horizontally on the table in front of you, with the sticky side facing away from you. Place the filter in the middle of the natural fold, on the right edge of the paper. Who are you kidding? You are high already! You’ve been high since the beginning of the sentence: “I forgot where I was going with this.” Are you really going to describe the entire process of rolling a spliff? Do not call it a “ZigZag rolling paper.” You tore a rolling paper out of an orange cardboard box, the one with the words “ZIG-ZAG” written in large gold letters next to the picture of the Jesus-looking guy. Calling it a ZigZag rolling paper reinforces and perpetuates Corporatist-Capitalist ideology. It legitimizes a corporation’s existence in the public consciousness. It gives corporations a status closer to “fact” than “claim.” It is attitudes like yours that are driving corporations closer and closer to personhood, you idiot! Okay, so I guess Zizekian Aspie is still there, drugs or not. Ah crap, you created a new character, didn’t you? Oh, what was that? Different thoughts. I observed thoughts coming from a different place. Well, still Aspie Revolutionary/Aspie Philosopher but slightly different. Autism is political. Autism is at its very core, a political statement. This is why scientific explanations never do it any justice. We live in our own heads, and reject the reality given to us, because we recognize that it is only one of many possible realities. Autistic behavior is a form of protest against the reality that is attempted to be given to us. That is how I would describe my autistic behavior anyway. I think I might have chosen to be this way from a young age. Your words are trying to drag me into your paradigm. I am trying to escape paradigms. I am trying to exist in my own paradigm, because all your paradigms are bullshit! But I have learned through experience that the more I try to escape paradigms, the more paradigms try to pull me back in. Perhaps this is why autistics, ironically, end up being the ones who receive the most social conditioning, and therefore, often end up becoming some of the most “indoctrinated” member of society. A lot of us try to behave in such a way that we display an extreme form of whatever is the main indoctrination given to us. We do it over-literally and awkwardly as our own form of sarcasm, and as a form of protest. It is to say: “You might succeed in conditioning us, but we will never be at the exact level of conditioning that you want us to be. So we will behave over-conditioned. Conditioned to the point of appearing comical, satirical. So that we become a mirror to your stupidity.” Okay, it seems that you are saying pretty much the same things you were saying earlier, but in different words. But wait, aren’t you basically creating your own paradigm and accepting everything inside it as if it were fact? Well no, you are just writing. Most of it is probably bullshit anyway. Then again, most mainstream paradigms are bullshit too. You are just creating a counter-paradigm, counter-bullshit. It is a common radical tactic. It is just rhetoric. You live in what you see as an Orwellian world, and are just trying to battle it with counter-Orwellianism. Or Aspie Revolutionary is. Because that is how he thinks. No need to feel bad about it. Just don’t get out of control with it. Keep the flow going. But rather than say “Asperger’s is satire of Neurotypicality,” perhaps you should say “Asperger’s manifests metaphysically as satire of Neurotypicality?” But then again, doesn’t this imply you are inside the scientific paradigm analyzing the neurotypical paradigm? Saying “Asperger’s is satire of Neurotypicality” in those words directly is coming more directly from metaphysics, isn’t it? Is metaphysics what you are inside right now? Or is it epistemology? Philosophy? Pseudo-science? Propaganda? Just plain art? Do you even care what it is at this point? Yeah, it’s just propaganda. That’s fine. Just sell your propaganda for money, you capitalist pig. That’s all you are good at. And you’re not even that good at it. And look at how jargony your writing is. You are just trying to use as many catchy words as possible, you pseudo-Marxist capitalist pig. Okay now, stop. Stop everything you are doing entirely for a second. Stop Zizekian meditation, stop getting high, and try to be somewhat serious for a minute. You are being very negative about yourself. You are treating yourself like a complete idiot, and claiming that everything you say is complete bullshit. Why? It is probably your inferiority complex. Well, actually a combination of inferiority and superiority complexes. But let’s look at the inferiority side first. Autistic people are very prone to developing inferiority complexes, because this is how neurotypical society raises us. Yup, Aspie Revolutionary is still there. Oh, who cares if you are a persona or not? Just fucking write. In mainstream psychology, the term “echolalia” is often used to describe certain autistic behaviors. It is said that we imitate, and repeat words like a parrot. Parrot is even an ableist slur used against us. However, I would say that echolalia is not natural autistic behavior, but a result of the heavy social conditioning given to us throughout our lives. When someone is known to be autistic, or known to be “disordered” in any way, they will be treated largely in a condescending, infantilizing manner. Being raised under this treatment naturally gives one an inferiority complex, and feelings of being child-like. We “parrot” out of fear- because we feel like we are required to. Ideally, we would like to communicate in our own way, use words differently perhaps. But any society has a certain ideology, a certain invisible force that compels you to words in a certain specific way. Echolalia may be our way of trying to conform to this invisible force that we don’t understand, and don’t necessarily like either, but feel pressured to. The autistic brain often grasps language very well, but neurotypical psychology says we take it too literally. I would say that it is more that we use it correctly. Well, “correctly” is a relative concept too. Words in any language are symbols. Symbols for objects, for ideas. Ideas and objects can hypothetically be given a whole different set of symbols. One can exist in a whole different paradigm. Holy crap, did I just create my own paradigm? Do I literally exist in another paradigm? Another intellectual dimension? Oh wait, that’s right. I just got high again. But that doesn’t mean I am necessarily wrong, does it? I think I do exist in my own paradigm. But I have created characters that are capable of existing in socially acceptable paradigms. But I always see myself as an outsider to these paradigms. Except when I am so heavily in character that I see myself as an insider. I am in my own paradigm and interact with other paradigms but rarely step inside them. But is autism a paradigm of itself? Is that what it is? Am I actually writing all of this to attempt to escape a paradigm myself? Am I secretly trying to escape autism by writing this? My writing so far has been predominantly in the realm of the abstract. Is this in attempt to dismantle the notion, or the stereotype, that autistics can only understand the concrete? Be careful now. Your thoughts are starting to come from too Neurotypical Supremacist of a paradigm. Yup, Aspie Revolutionary is still there. Come to think of it, he is pretty much the only character who has been there consistently so far. Try something else. Here’s an idea. Go back to your Zizekian meditation. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the thoughts. Observe the ideologies. Observe the paradigms. Blah blah blah. Go back to your previous thoughts. Repeat them. Repetition is all you’re good at, you fucking parrot. Just look at your writing. Stop! Don’t use slurs against yourself, that’s mean. Only use slurs if you are reclaiming the words. Good parrot. Have a cracker. Hmm, that second slur actually half-works on me too! Where were you? Oh yeah, repeat previous thoughts. Pure Neurotypicality is pure ideology. Pure Autism is pure absence of ideology. Asperger’s is satire of ideology. Now, just for the hell of it, write those same sentences, but in reverse. Pure Neurotypicality is pure absence of ideology. Pure Autism is pure ideology. Asperger’s is satire of ideology. So according to this theory, Asperger’s, or high-functioning autism, which is sort of a mid-point, ends up exactly where it was. Now keep going. Asperger’s is satire of Pure Autism. Pure Autism is ideology. Pure Neurotypicality is absence of ideology. Asperger’s is representative of Neurotypicality and mocking of Pure Autism. Hmm, this actually makes a little bit of sense to me, even in reverse, although it probably sounds offensive and ableist as fuck. You did just talk about the feeling of being trapped in a paradigm. Is the reverse of my previous theory actually more true, and it is autism that is being trapped in ideology? You just talked about the stereotype that autistics can only understand the concrete. Is that actually true? Oh crap, you’re getting back into Neurotypical Supremacy again. If this was a character, what would you call it? Self-Hating Aspie? Sure, let’s go with that. This would mean that Aspies are trying to behave Neurotypically, to behave without ideology, but can never fully accomplish it because they are trapped in their paradigms. Asperger’s behavior is mocking of Pure Autistic behavior- the behavior of being fully trapped in ideology. At least when you observe things at face-value. Autistics, from the outside, do appear to be trapped in something. Oh no! What the fuck have you just done to yourself? You are Self-Hating Aspie now! Do you hear yourself speak? You are even referring to Autistics and Aspies as “they.” You’ve become Self-Hating Aspie! You killed Aspie-Revolutionary! He’s not there anymore. Shit, this is scary. You don’t know how to think now. What have you done to yourself? You are in the mainstream paradigm now. Does that mean you are Neurotypical now? Well, you have definitely felt like this before in your life, although you wouldn’t have described it as “Self-Hating Aspie,” because you just thought of it as “you.” Also, why are you talking about yourself in the second person? Why am I talking about myself in the second person? Probably because I am so used to being talked about in the second person by people right in front of me. That’s how autistic people are generally raised. We often have the feeling of being objects and not subjects due to this infantilizing treatment. Good, Aspie Revolutionary is not fully dead. Wait, what was that? New ideas? Write them down. Form a hybrid version of both of these paradigms you created. Autism might appear to the outsider as being trapped in ideology. Actually, Neurotypicality is being trapped in ideology, but being unaware that one is trapped in ideology. Neurotypicality is the illusion of thinking one is free of ideology. Autism is being trapped in ideology, but being aware of it. Neurotypicals trap us in ideology unknowingly. Or perhaps knowingly, who knows? Asperger’s is satirical of being trapped in ideology but being unaware. It is the imitation of being trapped unknowingly- the state of Neurotypicality. Pure Autism is freedom, but appears to Neurotypicals as being trapped. Asperger’s is still freedom, but slightly less freedom. Asperger’s is the imitation of being trapped in order to achieve certain personal goals. Does that make any sense? I have no idea whatsoever. I really know nothing at this point. Is that what autism is? Socratic Fundamentalism? The state of naturally knowing that nothing is knowable? That everything is ideology, everything is a paradigm, everything is propaganda in one way or another? I would say that this has been the overall tone of this book so far. It is a boo that is trying to dismantle paradigms by creating alternate paradigms. That is the intention, anyway. But am I even using the word “paradigm” correctly? Am I using any words correctly? Wait, why would I care? I am using words the way I understand them. Or maybe I am creating alternate ways of understanding them? Is this dangerous? Okay, I’m pretty sure I should not claim this as actual attempted scientific theory, and should only claim it as art. If I am even using those words properly. Maybe it’s not even art. Maybe it’s just mixing random words together. But mixing random words together does dismantle paradigms, I suppose. Also, the feeling that you are only mixing random words together is coming from your low self-esteem. It is also coming from the infantilizing treatment, once again. Autistic words are considered just words that are said, implying that we don’t fully know the meanings. They are just words that are said for Neurotypicals to analyze. That was meant to be said in a sarcastic tone. But yeah, talk more about infantilizing treatment, and what it does to you. Oh, see that? I said “you” again. That’s an example. It’s almost like my tone of voice is that of a Neurotypical psychologist analyzing my behavior. I am two people at the same time, a doctor and patient, subject and object. Is that what autism is? The feeling of being an object? But would it manifest the same way if there was no psychological paradigm to make us feel like objects? I think infatilizing and objectifying treatment are responsible for a lot of autistic behavior. Much of autism is environmental. And it is possibly why my writing is not at its full potential and might sound very dumb and cliche. But I might be wrong about that too. Who knows? Okay, now take a step back from everything for a second. Go back to the Zizekian meditation. Well, no need to actually do it, because you already know what you are going to write. You identified another ideology that has been dominating your writing so far: Victimhood ideology. Really think about it. Are you more of a Victim or a Victimizer? A Bullied or a Bully? An Oppressed or an Oppressor? Go back to your meditation and think about it.

One response »

  1. That was a really long post. I found the tone brisk and animated. It’s musings on ideologies and autism, maybe? Autism as a reaction to political, social systems. A rejection of doctrine, of social conditioning, outside of scientific paradigms; perhaps.

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