I Don’t Know What the Hell is Going on Anymore, Part III


Yeah, this is not you. You are not particularly male. You are not particularly masculine. You are not fully heterosexual either, although you never bother to explore these issues very much. Why? Just do it! It would sure be better than feeling like this. Why take the worst autistic male stereotypes and apply them to yourself? This is self-oppression. And it hurts others too. Don’t do this. You are forcing this. This is not natural. And fuck you Simon Baron-Cohen, with your extreme male brain theory of autism. Be more like your cousin Borat, who… quite possibly has extreme male brain autism. Never mind. Interesting thought though, return to this later possibly. I’ve always felt more attractive when I’ve portrayed myself as more feminine, though. Or somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I am a person, and I am attracted to people. A pangender or pansexual, or something like that. I think. Well, just try being that. Try experimenting. Try seeing yourself that way. It’s the year 2020, what do you have to lose? Do away with the binary, why not? The binary oppresses you. It makes you feel so low. And for fucks sake, do away with the concepts of classes of attractiveness. Modernize a bit. Put those back in the dustbin of history where they belong. Why would you bring them back? Dismantle those. And recognize that feminism does a lot of work to dismantle those, and be grateful for it. And try to embrace it more. And encourage others to embrace it more. Does this make you feel happier? Yes it does. Go with that feeling, then. Write what makes you feel happier. Write in the ideological direction of happiness. Don’t care what anybody thinks about that. You are a Snowflake. You are one at heart. You always will be. Own it. Be proud of it. It doesn’t matter if your external expression and behavioral patterns don’t always match what is in your heart. You are autistic. Although you even doubt this sometimes. And probably OCD too. Whatever those things mean. The pre-existing ideological patterns that you don’t like will continue to be there. And you will have trouble getting rid of them. But just think of them as codes, or even as languages. These are just different languages that you speak. If someone speaks to you in one of these languages, your brain will probably make you respond in one of these languages. And that is okay. But gradually, try to do it less. Separate yourself from the thought patterns, the languages, that you don’t like, and embrace those that you do like. But you don’t have a natural ideological filter, you say? Yes you do, you have feelings. You have intuition. Stop pretending you don’t. Your feelings will be your ideological filter. Less thinking, more feeling. I feel more like a woman now. And I am happy about it. But that doesn’t mean I necessarily am one. I am probably somewhere in between. But I think I like the femininity that I have more than the masculinity that I have. The masculinity I have seems to be only the shittiest masculinity. I can never seem to be able to have positive masculinity. I can have positive femininity, but it is deeply repressed right now. Well no, my toxic masculinity is sometimes funny, when I am company who appreciates it. Aspie Revolutionary has a lot of toxic masculinity. Good, I am sounding more Snowflake now. I still have it in me! But no, don’t aim for ideological purity. Be a combination of things. But have a preference for certain things over others. Be Snowflake first, and the other things second. Because Snowflake already cover most of the Marxisms. Actually, this is good advice for anyone trying to start an Alt-Marxism. Embrace Snowflake Marxism first. The more you look into it, the more you will realize how flexible the framework actually is! Don’t let Right-Wing Capitalist propaganda tell you what Snowflake Marxist propaganda is. Let Snowflake Marxist propaganda tell you what Snowflake Marxist propaganda is itself! Chances are, if you really dig deep into it, you will realize that your Marxism is already there! Snowflake Marxism already is Marxist Framework Fundamentalism. Well, not quite. There are gaps to fill. But the gaps are better filled from within than from the outside. Learn the framework first, learn the Marxisms that already exist, and are already socially acceptable. And create your Marxism from there, trying to make it as compatible as possible with those that are already there. This will have a better chance at success anyway, if we are being purely Machiavellian. Do I like what I am writing now? It seems like the toxic masculinity is back a little. Actually, I do like it less now. I don’t like the Machiavellian attitude. Machiavellian thinking is too Capitalist. It promotes the idea that everything is a game. Truly Marxist thinking should aim to move us away from that direction. But do I like this thinking even? Am I still creating stereotypes, dividing thought into categories, forming boxes of thought? Well, I guess I really am autistic, and this is just what my brain does. But am I capable of better than this? Or is suggesting that this type of categorizing thought is inferior, and non-categorizing thought is “better” actually ableist? Yeah, just write however you want. These cycles are good. These circles are positive. Continue to do them. Circles create better theory. More well-rounded theory. Pun intended. Circles are also good for personal growth. They prevent ideological extremism. You can start to drift far down one path, then catch yourself, and use different words to drag yourself down another path. Then go down a third path, and a fourth, and a fifth. And so on and so on. This is healthy. Everyone should try this. This is healing. Unless it is too confusing. In which case it can be harming. I think this might be Buddhism. This is dumb. This is extremely dumb, juvenile, pointless and repetitive. It is contributing absolutely nothing new, and you are wasting your life. That thought came from Capitalist. All my negative thoughts tend to come from Capitalist. But then again, if I succeeded more in Capitalism, more positive thoughts might possibly come from him. I mean them. No, of course I mean him. Capitalism is always male. No woman would ever come up with such a diabolical thing. Well, except Ayn Rand. Hmm, has a woman ever done Communism? Meaning actually lead it? There might be a few examples here and there, but nothing substantial. That’s probably why it has never worked. Let women lead it! And let us just sit back and let you take over! I mean let men just sit back and let us… I mean you… take over… Is that what I mean? Oh well. The end result would probably be Pure Communism. Oh, here we are again. So, Pure Femininity is Pure Communism? So, Pure Femininity is Pure Autism? Well, that would be the opposite of Baron-Cohen’s theory. I don’t know. I think autism is more feminine. I think the masculinity is forced. Forced into us, or self-forced. Or a combination of both. It is conditioned into us. Because we receive the most aggressive, violent social conditioning. Or maybe it just feels that way for us, because we are the most sensitive to it. Well, it’s a combination of both again. We behave “abnormally,” and the natural Neurotypical reaction is to try to control us. To force this behavior out of us. Because that is what you are supposed to do in order to belong to the Neurotypical class. This is how you assert your power, assert your dominance. You maintain your status by conditioning those of lesser status. This is how power functions. Hmm, I am sounding like an Aspie psychologist analyzing Neurotypical behavior now. Good. That has always been one of my goals in life. It is very interesting, because I have experienced being on both sides of this power dynamic. And you know what? I hate both equally. I thought I liked being in the position of power more for a while. Oh, the privileges that come with Perceived Neurotypicality. I thought I enjoyed being in positions of power over others, telling others how to behave, conditioning others, or counter-conditioning others. But this was only revengeful. But wait, a lot of social justice is revengeful, isn’t it? It’s about reversing power dynamics. It’s about you, as an Oppressed, creating your own paradigms, your own ideals that you judge other people’s behavior by, that you judge the hegemonic paradigm by. So that the Oppressors can know how you feel. It is to say “We lived under your rules for so long, and now we are going to make our own set of rules for how you have to treat us.” Or something like that. Anti-racism does a lot of this. Feminism does too. So what the hell? Do it sometimes. But don’t get carried away with it. You have a tendency to get carried away, and drift off into extremism. There are limits to everything. A healthier way to do it would be to do it in cycles. Yeah, keep going in cycles. Autism spectrum cycles. Ideological cycles. Gender cycles. Sexuality cycles. Racial cycles. Hierarchical identity cycles. This is good. This is healthy. It is actually very uniting. It shows that one person can feel like so many different things. And maybe everyone else will realize that they are a little bit of everything. Anyone can create the feeling of being absolutely anything. What is identity anyway? Anyone can be anything. Identity is arbitrary for me. Personalities are just random things I create because I feel like I have to. My autism is largely created, largely forced too. That is how I feel at this current moment. I think it might be the result of forced masculine thinking. Forced categorization, forced diving information into boxes. And now I have this habit of extreme stereotyping. This is definitely not natural. I hope not, anyway. The fact that I am aware of it, and am aware that I hate it, is evidence that it is not natural. I hate the previous sentence. I hate that I claimed to know anything as “fact,” and that I have “evidence” for it. I hate absolutes. Nothing is definite. These are absolutes too. Are these absolutes? More questions, less statements. More questions, less statements? Statements oppress you. They are a result of your forced masculinity. Are statements oppressive? Are they the result of my forced masculinity? Or is Self-Hating Aspie back again? Self-Hating Aspie might say that he hates his masculinity because it is so autistic. Or is Self-Hating Aspie a she, then? Just say “they.” Assume everyone is a they, because you don’t know for sure. There is no “sure.” Or is Self-Hating Aspie a delusional character, because they assume the masculine, Aspie thought patterns are themself? That stereotype hurt my brain. The stereotypes are starting to hurt me. That is a good sign. Is it? Well, if the stereotypes are still there and you can’t get rid of them, just keep using them for now, and maybe eventually their prevalence will start to reduce. Write Stereotype Poetry. I like the sound of that. I think this is what this is. It sounds oxymoronical but it isn’t. It is beautiful and simple. It is creating poetry out of the most unpoetic and superficial of things. Which is very challenging. Except it is not. It is extremely lazy. But it still works. And I believe in laziness anyway. The notion that a piece of art should be judged by the amount of effort put into it is pure Capitalist propaganda. Oh crap, is this Bro Poetry? It is Bro Poetry, isn’t it? Douchebag is still there. I thought I was rid of him, but he is still there. Pretty sure Douchebag is always male. Actually, possibly not always. But I need to be more aware of when he pops up. You are forgetting to observe the ideologies. Oh hello Zizek, old friend. You’re back! I missed you. I’m glad you are back. You are always the one who keeps me stable when things get out of control. Or maybe you’re the one who makes me unstable. I’m not sure. Maybe I should go back to the meditation. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Observe the personas. Observe the ideologies. Observe the spectrum. Observe the other spectrum. Observe the genders. Observe the autism. Observe the neurotypicality. Observe the femininity. Observe the masculinity. No, don’t actually do the meditation. Actually doing it just confuses you more. It is better to just understand it theoretically and have it in the background. I think, anyway. It has to do with my apparent disconnect between theory and practice, between the abstract and concrete. But wait, don’t I want to be better integrated? I said earlier that I felt more whole, more complete when I was more integrated. But I am scared to become better integrated. Why? I think it is because when I was more integrated, I felt like a woman. I want to disintegrate myself to feel more male. Disintegration is my comfort zone. My brain creates autism to make me more male. Or the masculine social conditioning does. Or a combination of both. Internalized social conditioning perhaps. Maybe. That is how I feel right now. I think autism is naturally much more of an Extreme Female Brain. But Neurotypicals condition the Extreme Male Brain into us, because they are frightened of the Extreme Female Brain. They want us to believe that we don’t possess such high levels of empathy and connectedness, because it allows us to see through their bullshit system. So they condition us to make us think we are the exact opposite of what we really are. Aspie Revolutionary is back, but they seem more female now. She seems more female now? Am I confident enough to go that far? Not yet. Not enough to use the word “yet,” either. This is getting scary now. I probably should mention that I am writing this while taking a shit. Ah, good old manly toilet humor. Back to my comfort zone again. Stereotype Poetry. My comfort zone. Everyone shits. Get out of your comfort zone. Out of the toilet now. I literally mean the toilet. I probably more Freudianly mean the closet. I have no idea. Hmm, new thoughts just came to me. Write them down. Douchebag ideology tends to contain a lot of Keeping It Real statements. Keeping It Real could more accurately be described as Keeping It Real Within Ideology. Snowflake ideology contains some Keeping It Real, but is generally much more analytical of its own ideology. Which makes it intellectually elitist? Well, you are looking at the natures of the ideologies themselves, not of actual people. You are in the metaphysical realm. But is existing in the metaphysical realm dehumanizing? And this is circling you back to Vibe Marxism again. And you feel Incel again. And you feel very male again. And I don’t like this feeling. Not being this particular type of male, anyway. But wait a minute. These circles are good. They are a sign of tremendous empathy. Circular Marxist is a great character! Well, tremendous empathy at the metaphysical level, anyway. No, stop saying that. Don’t let Sociopath come back. He’s the one who only exists at the metaphysical level. But you have empathy for him too! I have empathy for them too. Don’t let Feminist get too reverse-sexist. Your empathy couldn’t even exist at the metaphysical level if it wasn’t in your heart. You just lock it up at the metaphysical level. It is locked up in the metaphysical closet. You’ve never even read any metaphysics, have you? Barely, anyway. How do you what you are saying makes any sense? Intuition. I have that. I intuitively feel that it makes sense. I hope so, anyway. Anxiety is returning. I recognize that. I don’t like how I am feeling right now. I want to return back to Snowflake. I was happier there. Writing that sentence made me happier. I want to be something less creepy. Maybe I’ll try being a woman just for the sake of being something less creepy. But then as a transgender person, there would be an entirely different set of people who find me creepy. But I want Snowflakes to not find me creepy because Snowflakes are the people I need? I have no idea. But I might as well explore this. Identity is arbitrary for me, anyway. Those last few sentences made me unhappy. They are too cynical. Stop writing sentences that make you unhappy. Don’t even bother to analyze specifically why they made you unhappy. Just listen to your fucking feelings. At some point, Douchebag is probably going to come back again, and claim that all these words, this entire book, was actually written by him. And that it is all part of his diabolical scheme to get laid. But don’t let him. If he comes back, just continue the circles. Let his thoughts evolve into different thoughts. And let those evolve into yet different ones. And keep going around and around. And you might end up back where you started, but keep going around. And this is how you dismantle ideology. Thank you, Zizek. Maybe you are a great teacher after all! Oh whatever. If the diabolicality is there, let the diabolicality be there a little bit. But try not to act based on the diabolicality too much. Observe the diabolicality. Observe it neutrally. No! Enough neutrality! Why did I even write those sentences? Why would I bring this character back intentionally? Those made me very unhappy! I am following Keeping It Real ideology now. I am not dismantling ideology at all. It is almost as if I am claiming that as my starting point and finishing point, and that there is no escape from it. Why did I even write that sentence? Okay, it looks like my Douchebag propaganda is colonizing my Snowflake propaganda here. It is hijacking it and putting it into its own terms. Snowflake needs to resist this colonization effort. That made me laugh. Good. I’m having a sense of humor about it again. That’s the most important thing. It doesn’t matter what ideology you are stuck inside, as long as you can laugh at it. This is good progress. I think this could actually help a lot of people. Be proud of yourself, and stop being so negative. Or is it more the Snowflake propaganda that is colonizing the Douchebag propaganda? Sort of. It is trying to drag everything else into its own paradigm, isn’t it? Is Snowflake Colonization an oxymoron? Well, it shouldn’t be. It should be a real thing. There should be more of it. There isn’t enough of it! Let Snowflake be the starting point and finishing point in your circles. Or your base, anyway. Base Camp. Or don’t have a Base Camp at all? Probably better to have some sort of base. I’m starting to feel better, but still feel the forced masculinity there. It is not too toxic at the moment, but it is there. The pseudo-apathy is there. This is not natural. You created this. Right? I partially created it. I was partially indoctrinated by it outside of my control. I think. Or is the femininity forced too? Possibly. Maybe I am just asexual. No, certainly not. More like hypersexual but sexually repressed. Except when I am not sexually repressed. Then I can be… Problematic. Yeah, that’s what this is really about, isn’t it? I want to make up for all the problematic things that Douchebag did. So that is why I am trying to make Snowflake colonize them. Because Douchebag is so completely not me. He is a forced character. Do I want to talk about the problematic things? Probably not a good idea to. Not at the moment, anyway. But I am sorry about the problematic things. I don’t have good enough words to express how sorry I am about the problematic things because Douchebag is still there. If I ever get rid of him, I might be able to come up with a better apology. But one or more of the people I may have done problematic things to may or may not have been Aspie, so they’ll probably understand. This apology is probably good enough by Aspie standards for now. And if any Neurotypicals try to tell me the apology isn’t good enough, then Aspie Revolutionary says: “Fuck you for imposing your Neurotypical Supremacist standards of appropriateness on us!” He is kind of a dick. But he is still there. And as long as he is still there, this is the best I can do. Or maybe I can do better. I probably can. But who defines “better?” I don’t think this is that terrible of an apology. Or at least it can be the start of one, and it can be continued later in this book. The right words are not there right now. And there are other apologies I need to make to several people, but the words are not there. It’s a process. Getting to the state of mind where I have the right words is a process. This is complete bullshit. Everything I am writing is a lie. No! I don’t know that for sure. I have to stop this cycle. Bad path. Return to the apologizing later. Calm down. Breathe. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. It’s okay. Don’t say anything if it is too painful. It’s all okay. This is not you. You are not this asshole. This is the toxic masculinity again. Let it go. Let it all go. Being this person hurts me. That much I know. But who am I then? Do I want to explore further? Do I want to find out if there are any other personas, ideologies, paradigms or closets that secretly oppress me? That I want to liberate myself from? Definitely. I would be a fool not to.

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